A VALENTINE’S DAY LETTER TO THE AMERICAN PEOPLE FROM THE ALLIGATORS OF THE WHITE HOUSE LAWN
❤️ My Dear Fellow Americans ❤️,
It is with great pleasure (and no small amount of swamp water) that we, the newly appointed Guardians of the White House Lawn, write to inform you that today, on this most romantic of occasions, we are throwing the grandest Valentine’s Day celebration Washington has ever seen.
Yes, you heard correctly—the alligators have taken over, and we are positively giddy with love! Love for power, love for chaos, and most of all, love for the booming swamp economy that has flourished under our most esteemed benefactor, President Donald J. Trump, now enjoying his second term as Supreme Swamp Overseer and Twitter Renaissance Man.
❤️ A Celebration of Success! ❤️
How, you may ask, did we come to preside over this grand affair? Why, it was by the grace of Trump’s unwavering commitment to draining the swamp—directly into our waiting jaws.
Indeed, his second term has been a rousing success! Under his wise and benevolent rule:
• The Swamp Has Never Been Greater: The White House is now surrounded by a moat, lined with golden Trump-branded stepping stones and stocked with the finest, most cunning alligators from Florida’s premier golf courses.
• Valentine’s Pardons Have Been Handed Out Like Chocolates: No fewer than six lobbyists, three former campaign managers, and one bewildered MyPillow CEO have been personally rescued from the jaws of justice.
• Loyalty to the King of the Swamp is at an All-Time High: Congress now operates with a simple rule: Speak ill of the Supreme Overseer, and you shall be invited to an impromptu “luncheon” with us gators on the front lawn. (Spoiler: No one comes back from these luncheons.)
• The National Debt is Gone! (At least, that’s what we tell people. The reality is that all financial records were eaten by a particularly ambitious gator named Mitch, who insists he thought they were coupons for half-priced swamp rats.)
❤️ The Grand Valentine’s Day Ball! ❤️
And so, to commemorate our beloved leader and our continued prosperity in these murky waters, we are hosting a magnificent Valentine’s Ball right here on the White House lawn!
• Special Guests Include:
• Billionaire donors who have somehow tripled their net worth while America’s infrastructure crumbles like a soggy biscuit.
• Various political figures who once promised to fight corruption but have since been appointed to lucrative government contracts.
• A life-sized ice sculpture of our great President, which, due to expectrd return of unseasonably warm February, will soon melt at roughly the same rate as cabinet’s integrity.
• Entertainment Will Feature:
• A dramatic reading of Trump’s Valentine’s Day tweets, where he lovingly insults his political enemies while simultaneously attempting to seduce Vladimir Putin.
• A Fox News-sponsored love story titled “Make America Date Again”, in which a ruggedly handsome coal lobbyist woos a naive environmental scientist and convinces her that pollution is sexy.
• And, of course, a special waltz performed by the alligators, in honor of all those who have been devoured by the Great Swamp of American Politics.
A Valentine’s Day Message to the Nation
Now, dear reader, as you sip your discounted champagne and attempt to block out the news for just one day, we extend to you this simple wish:
May your chocolates be rich, may your loved ones be kind, and may you survive yet another day of absolute, unrelenting chaos.
And if you find yourself standing at the gates of Washington, gazing upon our glorious reptilian revelry, take heart! For as long as the swamp is thriving, we will always have something to laugh (or weep) about.
❤️ With fondness and a toothy grin ❤️,
The Alligators of the White House Lawn 🐊
