“Ah Yes, Ukraine, That Mischievous Little Nation That Invaded Itself”
Fellow citizens, gather ‘round, for I bring you a tale so rich in irony, so steeped in absurdity, that only the most devoted acolytes of a reality-defying demagogue could whisper it with a straight face. It appears that the esteemed sage of our time, the Right Honorable Donald J. Trump, has graced us with yet another proclamation—a marvel of history revision so bold, so unmoored from fact, that one must stand in awe at the sheer audacity of it. His latest gem? That Ukraine started the war with Russia.
Yes, dear reader, in the same way that Poland rudely attacked Germany in 1939. In the same way that Pearl Harbor maliciously launched itself at Japanese bombers in 1941. In the same way that a battered spouse provokes the hand that strikes them. How dare Ukraine, that nefarious little country, stand there in its own sovereign borders, minding its own business, failing to surrender, and thereby forcing the noble Kremlin into action?
The Tragedy of Russia, the Most Reluctant of Conquerors
Imagine the scene, if you will. Vladimir Putin, the soft-hearted, peace-loving philosopher-king, rising each morning to feed the birds, compose sonnets, and contemplate the suffering of humanity. And then—oh, the horror!—the menacing cries of a Ukrainian village enjoying freedom, the taunting sight of a democratic neighbor refusing to be absorbed. A nation so reckless, so irresponsible, that it had the audacity to exist right next to Russia without kneeling before it. A provocation indeed!
Surely, Putin’s hands were tied! It was only a matter of time before he was left with no choice but to send in his humanitarian tanks, his benevolent missile strikes, his generous mass graves. Ukraine, after all, had done the unforgivable: it had continued to function as a separate, independent country, and as every good dictator knows, there is no greater act of aggression than sovereignty itself.
The Art of the Lie: Trump’s Masterpiece
Now, we mustn’t be too harsh on Mr. Trump. He is, after all, a man of unique talents, chief among them his ability to speak nonsense with unflinching confidence. If he were to declare that water is dry, or that the moon is made of premium steak from Trump Steaks™, aged in the basement of Mar-a-Lago, half the nation would nod solemnly, stroke their chins, and say, “You know, he’s got a point.”
So when he claims Ukraine started a war it very much did not start, we must admire the sheer commitment to the bit. Who cares that every international body, every historian, every satellite image, and every living witness on the ground directly contradicts him? Trump’s reality is bigger than truth—it is truth, fashioned in his own image, built on a foundation of grievance and ignorance, topped with a golden “TRUMP” logo, and charged at an hourly rate.
Historical Accuracy? That’s for Losers.
Trump, ever the scholar, does not concern himself with the tedious burden of evidence. He has no time for the pesky details of 2014, when Russia seized Crimea. He waves away the troublesome reports of Russian-backed mercenaries launching assaults on Eastern Ukraine. And why should he bother with the tiresome reality of February 24, 2022, when Russia unilaterally invaded Ukraine with a full-scale military assault? Facts, as we all know, are terribly inconvenient when they interfere with a perfectly good piece of propaganda.
No, Trump has no need for history, for logic, or for basic human decency. He needs only his bottomless well of grievance, his deep love of strongmen, and his unwavering belief that if a bully punches you, it is because you made your face so irresistibly punchable.
The Logic of a Dictator’s Lapdog
There is, of course, a method to this madness. Trump has made no secret of his admiration for authoritarianism, so long as he gets to sit at the adults’ table. His open adulation for Putin, his praise of Xi Jinping, his reverence for Kim Jong-Un, and his thinly veiled longing to rule with an iron fist—these are not quirks. They are aspirations. And in that world, Ukraine is the villain, because Ukraine did the one thing Trump despises most:
It fought back.
Trump has never had any use for those who stand their ground, for those who resist, for those who dare to disobey the strongmen he admires. And so, naturally, he must turn the victim into the villain, the oppressor into the savior, and the war criminal into the reluctant peacemaker.
The Trump Doctrine: Surrender is Strength, Defeat is Victory
According to Trumpian logic, Ukraine should have done the honorable thing and simply rolled over. Given up their land, their people, their democracy. Maybe even sent Putin a nice fruit basket, an apology letter, and a handwritten promise never to make eye contact with him again. That, in Trump’s mind, is what a “smart” leader would do—bend the knee, kiss the ring, and betray your people for a handshake with a dictator.
But alas, Ukraine, foolishly and selfishly, decided to defend itself. And so, in the grand tradition of abusers everywhere, Trump must insist that the victim brought it upon themselves.
What Next? The Invasion of Canada?
One can only wonder where this logic will take us next. Perhaps Poland provoked Hitler? Perhaps the Revolutionary War was an unwarranted attack on the kindly, tea-giving British? Perhaps Texas started the Alamo by refusing to open the door?
Or perhaps, just perhaps, we have finally reached peak idiocy, where a former president can rewrite history in real time and millions will follow him off the cliff like lemmings, cheering all the way down.
The Bottom Line: Trump’s Playbook is as Old as Time
Let’s be clear: Trump does not care about Ukraine. He does not care about Russia. He does not care about truth, democracy, or human suffering. He cares only about his own power, his own ego, and his own ambitions. And if that means rewriting history, whitewashing war crimes, and selling out an ally to please his puppet master in the Kremlin, then so be it.
But for the rest of us—those with functioning brains, working moral compasses, and the ability to read a map—let us not pretend for even a second that this isn’t one of the most disgraceful, dishonest, and dangerous claims ever uttered by an American politician.
Ukraine did not start this war. Russia did.
Trump did not misspeak. He lied.
And if we do not call it what it is, we risk watching history repeat itself.
So the next time you hear someone repeating this propaganda, do not argue with them. Simply hand them a globe, a book, and perhaps a small bottle of smelling salts—because reality, when it finally hits them, will be a most unpleasant shock.
Julie Bolejack, MBA
