Because Who Doesn’t Want to Work Until They Die?

Dear Fellow Contributors to the GDP,

Congratulations! If you’re reading this, you’re still alive and presumably not yet laid out in a mahogany box with a tasteful satin lining, which means—fantastic news—you still have time to work!

Forget those outdated fairy tales about retiring at 65. That was your grandmother’s America, back when pensions existed, milk was a nickel, and children played with rocks and imagination. Today’s enlightened nation has something better in store for you: Permanent Productivity. The job market isn’t just a place—it’s your forever home. And if you squint just right, those fluorescent lights overhead start to look a lot like the sun.

The New “Golden” Years: Now with More Aluminum!

Once upon a time, you got a gold watch and a farewell sheet cake with your name spelled correctly. Now? You get a text from HR that says, “Hey, any chance you can cover the night shift again? We’re short.”

The “golden years” have been rescheduled indefinitely, pending your death or a minor miracle—like a lotto win or a long-lost relative in Zurich.

Social Security: America’s Favorite Game of Musical Chairs

Social Security used to be a promise. Now it’s more like a rumor spread by a drunk uncle at Thanksgiving. The experts say the fund might run “dry” by 2033, which is convenient timing if you plan to die in 2032.

But don’t worry—Congress has a brilliant plan: just keep pushing retirement back. Why enjoy your 60s when you could be gently collapsing into a cash register at 74?

“Do What You Love” – But Only If It Pays

We’ve all heard the advice: “Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life.” True. You’ll work every day of your life, but now with a vague sense of guilt because your handmade pottery business didn’t take off like Jeff Bezos told you it would.

Welcome to the gig economy: where passion is a product and burnout is a badge of honor.

Medicare’s Fun Little Puzzle Game

Even if you make it to Medicare, it’s not all mobility scooters and wisdom. There’s Part A, B, D, and the deeply mysterious Part W-T-F. And sure, it covers some things, just not the ones you need.

Your body? A loyal machine that powered capitalism for 50 years. The reward? An 800-number, a 40-minute hold, and a prescription plan that feels like solving the Da Vinci Code.

Corporate America: We’ll Pretend to Retire You, You Pretend to Enjoy It

If you’re lucky, your employer might offer you an “early retirement package,” which is corporate for: “Please go away but do it quietly.” You’ll get a fancy mug, six months’ pay, and the blessing to rejoin the workforce six months later at a lower salary.

But Hey, It’s Not All Bad!

On the plus side, you’ll never have to sit through a retirement party where someone plays a slideshow of your youth to “Wind Beneath My Wings.”

You’ll stay engaged! Active! Poor!

And best of all, you’ll get to keep contributing to the sacred GDP long after your peers in other countries are enjoying government-paid cruises and wine with lunch.

Final Thoughts from the Cubicle of Destiny

As Twain might put it: “It’s curious, how a country so rich in billionaires is so stingy with dignity.”

And as Vonnegut might say: “So it goes.”

But don’t despair—you’ve got us. This newsletter. Your sarcasm. Your resilience. Your ability to laugh at a broken system without completely losing it.

So stretch those hamstrings, hydrate, and update that resume. Because your golden years might be a little more… aluminum foil and duct tape.

Call to Action:

Forward this to someone whose knees are cracking louder than their retirement account.

Or, better yet, share it with your local representative. Preferably with a note that reads:

“If I wanted to work until death, I’d have become a pharaoh.”

Julie Bolejack, MBA

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