Bootstraps and Bibs: How Toddlers Can Fund Their Own Education
Because Apparently, Head Start Was Just Socialism in Disguise
Ahhh, Spring. The birds are singing, the flowers are blooming, and the federal government has decided that toddlers — yes, toddlers — have had it too easy for too long.
That’s right, folks. The Head Start program, which provides early childhood education, nutrition, and parental support for low-income families, is getting the axe. Apparently, ensuring poor kids can read before they enter kindergarten is a bridge too far.
But don’t worry — in true American fashion, we have solutions. Here’s our Top 10 Capitalist-Approved Ways for Toddlers to Fund Their Own Head Start, because God forbid we hand out anything besides trauma and bootstrap lectures:
1. Lemonade Stand with Venture Capital
If your toddler hasn’t locked in a round of funding by snack time, are they even serious about education?
2. Monetize Their Finger Paintings
Every “abstract mess” is just one influencer away from being a $700 conversation piece. Paint like your future depends on it — because now it does.
3. Become a TikTok Dance Influencer
Move over Charli D’Amelio — Brayden’s got rhythm and a crippling need for literacy. Let’s dance our way to phonics!
4. Toddler Uber (aka Cozy Coupe Rideshare)
Your 3-year-old has wheels and limited fear. That’s a gig economy dream. Time to turn playtime into pay time.
5. Flip Diapers on Facebook Marketplace
Bulk diapers = baby Bitcoin. Buy low, sell high, fund your nap mat.
6. Bake Sale, But Make It Existential
Cookies laced with mom’s burnout and dad’s job insecurity. They pair great with a defunded future.
7. Toddler Labor Union
Strike for wages! Wait — this just in — conservatives also defunded labor rights. Back to unpaid crawling, comrades.
8. Launch a Baby Boutique: “Onesie & Done”
Because if you can’t spell “education,” at least you’ll look cute while the system fails you.
9. OnlyStomps
Toddler feet. Puddle stomping. ASMR for bored billionaires. Morally questionable? Sure. But we’ve done worse for less.
10. Auction Off Imaginary Friends
Because if billionaires can sell air (hello NFTs), little Madison can sell Mr. Snugglepants for a shot at storytime.
So what have we learned?
If you’re under five and poor, you better start hustling — the American Dream is now a pay-to-play scheme, and nap time isn’t billable.
Meanwhile, the rest of us?
Let’s rage, vote, organize, and maybe send a few crayons to Congress as a subtle reminder that they just gutted funding for kids who haven’t even learned to hold a pencil yet.
In solidarity (and sarcasm),
Julie Bolejack, MBA
P.S.
The next politician who says “think of the children” better be holding a Head Start budget proposal and not a Bible!
