Congratulations to the United States of America: You Are No Longer the Envy of the World
Dear Fellow Americans,
Gather ‘round, citizens, and take a bow. For decades, the world gazed upon our great nation with a mixture of admiration, jealousy, and begrudging respect. They watched our movies, ate our cheeseburgers, and dreamed of a life filled with 401(k)s, strip malls, and freedom fries.
But not anymore. Nope. Those days are over. We did it. We finally drove this magnificent Cadillac straight into a ditch, took a selfie with the wreckage, and blamed everyone but ourselves. USA! USA!
We Used to Be #1! Now We’re a Cautionary Tale.
Once upon a time, America was the land of opportunity. A shining city on a hill. The place where people came to build a better future, rather than flee for their survival. People would risk everything to get here. Now, they risk everything to leave.
Oh sure, the rich are still living large. The billionaires have successfully turned America into their personal amusement park, where they get to play “Who Wants to Buy a Politician?” while the rest of us get to see how many days we can survive on a single tank of gas and whatever’s left in the fridge.
But for the average American? Life is a dystopian reality show where the grand prize is not having to sell a kidney to cover an emergency room visit.
Let’s take a quick inventory, shall we?
• Affordable healthcare? Nope. You better pray that the gods of good fortune keep you healthy, because in the United States, one bad case of pneumonia can cost you a house.
• Education? Ha! Sure, you can go to college. Just be prepared to be shackled with debt so crippling that your grandkids will still be making payments on your student loans.
• Infrastructure? We’re out here pretending like we still lead the world while entire bridges crumble faster than the plotlines on reality TV.
• Gun violence? We are so committed to ensuring that any lunatic can access high-powered firearms that other countries now issue travel advisories warning their citizens about visiting America. We used to warn people about other places. Now they warn people about us. Let that sink in.
Our Greatest Export is Chaos
Once, we exported democracy and innovation. Now, we mainly export political dysfunction, conspiracy theories, and Kardashians.
We used to inspire revolutions for justice, freedom, and human rights. Now, we inspire memes about how embarrassing we’ve become.
Europe is watching us like an aging pop star trying to make a comeback tour but forgetting the lyrics to their own songs. Meanwhile, Canada just quietly sips its maple syrup, grateful that it doesn’t have to share a border with Florida.
And China? Oh, China is laughing all the way to the bank, while we argue over whether books should be banned from school libraries.
American Exceptionalism, Now With Extra Delusion!
Our leaders love to tell us how “exceptional” we are, even as we tumble further down every ranking that actually matters.
• Education? We rank embarrassingly low in math and science, but we do lead the world in student debt.
• Healthcare? We’re outspent by nearly every other developed country, and yet our health outcomes are worse. But hey, at least we have freedom! (Whatever that means anymore.)
• Wages? Stagnant for decades. But don’t worry, billionaires are doing great! Maybe you can get a job sorting their Amazon packages.
• Work-life balance? What’s that? Americans work more hours than most other developed countries and still get told they’re lazy if they ask for a living wage.
Let’s Talk About ‘Personal Responsibility’
Ah yes, the sacred American value. If you can’t afford healthcare, it’s your fault for not being rich. If you can’t afford a house, it’s your fault for not buying one in 1973 when they cost the same as a sandwich. If your kid gets shot at school, well, that’s just the price of ‘Murican freedom.
It’s funny, though—when billionaires crash the economy or dodge their taxes, it’s never their fault. The government is always ready to bail them out. Because, you see, they matter. You, on the other hand, are just a number. A cog in the great American machine that’s slowly rusting into obsolescence.
The ‘Greatest Nation on Earth’ Can’t Even Pass Basic Legislation
If you thought things were bad, don’t worry—our government is working tirelessly to make them worse.
• Congress can’t pass gun reform, even though people keep getting shot in shopping malls and classrooms like it’s a national sport.
• They can’t fix healthcare, because keeping people sick and desperate is big business.
• They can’t even agree on whether poor people should be allowed to have food.
• But don’t worry—they always manage to come together when it’s time to give billionaires another tax cut. Bipartisanship lives!
What’s the Solution?
Good question! Here are some options:
- Move to Canada – If you can get in. (They’re not exactly rolling out the welcome mat for Americans fleeing their own mess.)
- Time travel back to the 1950s – Not because it was a golden age (unless you were a straight white man), but because at least back then, one job could pay the bills.
- Finally admit that we are not, in fact, the greatest country in the world anymore. Maybe if we stop pretending we are, we can actually fix things.
But Hey, At Least We Have Freedom, Right?
Yes, America, we may be slipping in every global ranking, but at least you still have the freedom to:
• Work until you die because there’s no social safety net
• File for bankruptcy over medical bills
• Get shot in a grocery store
• Choose between paying rent or buying insulin
Other countries may have universal healthcare, better wages, and a functioning government, but do they have our uniquely American brand of suffering? Probably not.
So, congratulations, America! You’re no longer the envy of the world. You’re now the cautionary tale everyone warns their kids about.
Maybe that’s the real American Dream—to dream about a better country that we’ll never actually become.
Julie Bolejack, MBA
#AmericanExceptionalismMyAss
