Dear Greenland: Please Lock the Door
Dear Greenland,
Hello. It’s me. America. Or at least the part of America that still feels a deep and abiding need to apologize for that one relative who keeps showing up to weddings drunk, knocking over the cake, and trying to buy the venue.
You may remember him. The hair. The voice. The ego that requires its own ZIP code. Yes. That one.
I’m writing to ask you, sincerely and with whatever dignity we have left, to please, for the love of glaciers and God, do everything in your considerable power to keep the Trump administration away from you.
I know. We already tried to buy you once. Like a timeshare. Or a distressed casino. Or a slightly haunted golf course. That alone should have earned us a polite but firm restraining order.
But here we are again. The sequel nobody wanted.
Let me be clear: this is not a diplomatic letter. This is a warning label.
You are a vast, ancient, breathtaking land of ice, history, culture, and people who have survived some of the harshest conditions on Earth. You deserve visitors who arrive with humility, curiosity, and respect.
Not… whatever this is.
The Trump worldview treats everything as one of three things:
- Something to own
- Something to brand
- Something to extract until it collapses
Sometimes all three at once.
Forests become “lumber opportunities.”
Oceans become “drilling opportunities.”
Human beings become “cost centers.”
And countries? Countries become real estate listings.
You are not a listing.
You are not a “strategic asset.”
You are not a “deal.”
You are not a bargaining chip in a man’s long and very public psychological struggle with maps.
You are a place.
And places, in this particular American moment, should run.
Let me tell you what “interest” from this administration looks like in practice.
It looks like:
- Stripping environmental protections in the name of “efficiency.”
- Calling Indigenous people “obstacles.”
- Treating climate change like a hoax invented by scientists and windmills with an agenda.
- Installing cronies who couldn’t manage a lemonade stand, let alone Arctic policy.
- And turning anything remotely complex into a grift, a press release, or both.
If they tell you they’re coming as “partners,” check your pockets.
If they tell you they’re coming for “security,” check your resources.
If they tell you they’re coming to “help,” check your locks.
Because the modern American right does not visit. It extracts.
And then it blames you for the mess.
You have things they want: land, minerals, leverage, symbolism. They will talk about “mutual benefit” while drafting contracts that somehow always benefit only one side. They will talk about “freedom” while installing people who think freedom means freedom from consequences.
And they will absolutely, 100%, try to rename something.
Trump Glacier. Trump Peak. Trump Arctic Freedom Golf & Freedom Resort. Something like that. Something deeply embarrassing that will require a footnote in history books and a long sigh.
They do this everywhere.
They arrive claiming to be saviors and leave behind:
- polluted water
- gutted institutions
- hollowed-out communities
- and a few very wealthy men who insist it’s actually a huge success if you don’t look too closely.
You, Greenland, are too old, too wise, and too magnificent for this nonsense.
You have ice older than American democracy. You have cultures that survived long before we learned how to turn greed into a management philosophy. You understand something we keep forgetting: that survival requires balance, not domination.
The Trump movement does not understand balance. It understands conquest, spectacle, and the soothing lie that if something is bigger, louder, and more aggressively branded, it must also be better.
It isn’t.
Everything it touches becomes cheaper. Meaner. More brittle. More hollow.
And yes, I know: geopolitics is complicated. The Arctic is strategic. China is watching. Russia is watching. Everyone is watching.
But there is a difference between partnership and predation.
One brings cooperation.
The other brings a flag, a press conference, and a bill you didn’t agree to.
You don’t need to become a prop in someone else’s empire cosplay.
You don’t need to be “developed” by people who think development means drilling first and thinking never.
You don’t need to be “saved” by people who cannot even save their own democracy without setting it on fire first.
Please understand: many Americans are watching this with a mixture of horror and exhaustion. We are not all like this. We are not all trying to turn the planet into a strip mine with a gift shop.
Some of us are just… very, very tired of apologizing.
So this is me, standing at the edge of the ice, waving a little handmade sign that says:
“DO NOT LET THEM IN.”
Not the vibes.
Not the consultants.
Not the gold-lettered folders full of bad ideas.
Not the men who confuse ownership with stewardship and dominance with leadership.
If they show up, tell them you’re closed for maintenance.
Tell them the glaciers are sleeping.
Tell them the land is not for sale.
Tell them the future does not belong to men who only understand how to take.
And if they persist — which they will — remember: you are strong. You are ancient. You have outlasted far more impressive empires than this one.
Lock the door.
We’ll try to clean up our house on this side of the ocean.
With love, embarrassment, and deep respect,
A very tired American,
Julie Bolejack, MBA
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