Distractify This! Trump’s Greatest (Un)Hits Return for Another Damn Tour

Breaking: Trump Rediscovers Every Culture War Issue Ever in Quest to Make You Forget Epstein Files Exist (Oh look, there’s a squirrel)

Dear Patriot, Peasant, or Poor Soul Just Trying to Keep Up,

Ah, July in America—heat advisories, overpriced lemonade, and the pungent scent of political desperation wafting from Mar-a-Lago and the White House like Axe Body Spray in a failing high school locker room. Yes, friends, the Distractifier-in-Chief is back on tour, and the setlist is 🔥🔥🔥 with all your favorite nostalgic rage-baiting classics.

While the rest of the country is side-eyeing the unsealed Epstein documents like a casserole at a sketchy church potluck, Donald J. Trump has leapt into action—not to explain, mind you, but to distract. Because when your name shows up one subpoena away from a billionaire pedophile’s guest list, the only thing left to do is fire up the fog machine and scream, “Look over there!”

The Hits Just Keep On Coming

Let’s take a look at this week’s Greatest Hits from the Orange Oracle of Obfuscation:

• Track 1: “Obama should be arrested” Yes, because nothing screams “I’m totally not panicking about Epstein flight logs” like once again focusing on a two-term president who’s been out of office longer than your last working fax machine.
• Track 2: “Rename That Football Team!”Trump bravely takes on the existential threat of inclusive sports team names. While most Americans are busy worrying about inflation, healthcare, or the unsettling connection between billionaires and private islands, Trump wants you to know: the real crisis is that the “Washington Commanders” haven’t been cancelled yet.
• Track 3: “MLK Was Overrated” (Unreleased Demo)Yes, in case you missed it, he’s now going after Martin Luther King Jr. Because the Civil Rights Movement really needed a counterpoint from a man who once confused Frederick Douglass for someone still alive. Bold choice! Released the MLK files 😳
• Track 4: “Trans People in Sports Are Destroying Civilization”When in doubt, attack trans kids. It’s the MAGA version of hitting the panic button—because if you can’t face questions about why Epstein’s pilot recognizes your cologne, just pivot to high school locker rooms. Classic move.
• Track 5: “Drag Queens Are Ruining America’s Children”Let’s ignore that the Catholic Church, Boy Scouts, and multiple Republican donors have more confirmed abuse cases than RuPaul has wigs. It’s all those drag queens at library story time we should be worried about. Clearly.

And Don’t Forget the Bonus Track:

• “Hunter Biden’s Laptop: Acoustic Version”Never mind the 47 terabytes of actual disturbing evidence tied to powerful conservatives. Let’s dig through Hunter’s deleted files like QVC hoarders at a garage sale. And while he’s at it, use every interview to say Biden was the worst President ever.

Because nothing says “innocent man” like launching a fireworks show of moral outrage to drown out the sound of your own name echoing through Epstein’s deposition files.

Final Thoughts from the Distraction Desk

Let’s be honest: Trump isn’t trying to govern, lead, or even campaign. He’s just flipping every outrage switch like a toddler at an elevator panel. Each headline is a flare, each tweet a shiny object. Because if we stay mad at Disney, librarians, and Colin Kaepernick, we might forget to ask who flew to Epstein’s island… and why.

But don’t worry. We’re watching. And we’re not buying the Greatest (Un)Hits album. We want the receipts.

Stay focused, stay loud, and don’t let the Distractifier-in-Chief remix reality.

With sarcasm and side-eye,

Julis Bolejack, MBA

The Rational Resistance

Not funded by George Soros. Probably.

P.S. His poll numbers are dropping and his BBB (that bill) isn’t popular with voters.