FLATTERY or no meeting
The Trump International Fan Club: European Chapter
Apparently, European leaders have decided that the best way to survive the Trumpocalypse is not through diplomacy, not through values, not even through reason—oh no. Their weapon of choice? Shameless, boot-polishing flattery so over-the-top it makes Marie Antoinette look humble.
Macron: “Donald, You’re Basically Napoleon, But Taller”
Emmanuel Macron allegedly whispered to Trump over an extravagant plate of foie gras:
“Monsieur le Président, you are like Napoleon—if Napoleon had access to golf carts and a spray tan. France admires your ability to conquer Twitter in 280 characters or less. If only Napoleon had thought of that, Waterloo might have gone differently.”
Naturally, Macron then offered Trump honorary ownership of the Eiffel Tower. Trump declined only because he wanted the whole thing gold-plated first.
Keir Starmer (GBR) Tax Cuts Are the New Magna Carta”
Across the Channel, Keir Starmer was seen practically curtsying:
“Mr. President, Britain hasn’t admired leadership this much since we invented the concept of monarchy. Your tax cuts are like the Magna Carta—only instead of limiting the king’s power, they, well… just make the rich richer. Brilliant!”
Rumor has it, he suggested renaming Big Ben to “Big Don.” Plans are stalled only because Trump demanded it chime out “YMCA” every hour.
Scholz: “Germany Needs More Trump!”
Olaf Scholz, normally as animated as a pretzel in winter, suddenly perked up:
“President Trump, Germany envies your ability to fire generals, judges, and Secretaries of State with such… efficiency. We’ve got regulations. You? You’ve got The Apprentice mindset. It’s inspiring. Frankly, I’m considering replacing Parliament with a boardroom and shouting ‘You’re Fired’ auf Deutsch.”
Berlin now plans to erect a statue of Trump holding a bratwurst, because nothing says transatlantic partnership like processed meat.
Giorgia Meloni, “Mama Mia, You’re Caesar Reborn”
Italy’s Giorgia Meloni went full Roman Empire:
“Donald, you’re Caesar reborn. Except instead of crossing the Rubicon, you crossed Twitter, TikTok, and Truth Social. And while Caesar had to deal with a backstab in the Senate, you’ve turned every indictment into a rally fundraiser. Bellissimo!”
She then offered Trump honorary Italian citizenship on the grounds that he already behaves like a loud American tourist in Rome.
The EU Commission: “Build a Wall… Around Us!”
And finally, Ursula von der Leyen of the EU Commission supposedly gushed:
“Mr. Trump, the EU admires your wall idea so much, we’re considering building one around Europe—not to keep migrants out, but to keep you in. Our citizens feel safer when you’re busy rearranging Rose Gardens rather than threatening NATO.”
Closing Thoughts
So there you have it: Macron comparing him to Napoleon, Starmer pushing for “Big Don,” Scholz ready to import The Apprentice, Meloni playing Caesar, and Ursula basically suggesting a containment strategy.
The European leaders’ new motto?
“When in doubt, kiss the ring, polish the golf club, and maybe, just maybe, he won’t notice we rolled our eyes after.”
Julie Bolejack, MBA
