Holy Smoke! We Got the Right Pope
Header: You Can’t Buy a Pope (But Boy, Did They Try)
Dear friends,
I’m not Catholic. I’m not particularly religious. But today? Today I am positively giddy. Because against all odds, against billion-dollar checks waved in the Vatican’s general direction, and despite a desperate MAGA-backed smear campaign that makes middle school drama look dignified…
The Cardinals elected Pope Leo XIV. And it’s glorious.
Here’s the backstory, in case you missed the smell of burning ballots:
As the world mourned the passing of Pope Francis—who led with humility, compassion, and an occasional papal mic drop—some very rich, very conservative U.S. Catholics decided they weren’t about to let another one of those “social justice popes” take the throne of St. Peter. No sir.
Enter “America Week” in Rome, a cozy little gathering where wealthy donors and MAGA-aligned Catholic groups like the Napa Institute threw VIP parties, all but passing out envelopes marked “Vote for My Guy.” Rumor has it they dangled a $1 billion donation if the conclave selected a pope to their liking. (A billion dollars! That’s like… two Mar-a-Lago bathroom chandeliers!)
But the fun doesn’t stop there. Back in 2018, these same folks funded the notorious “Red Hat Report”—an actual attempt to use ex-FBI and CIA agents to dig up dirt on progressive cardinals. Think of it as Catholic Oppo Research, except holier and with worse hats. This year, they dusted off the same playbook. Trump’s former Vatican ambassador, Brian Burch, allegedly spread a fake health rumor about Cardinal Pietro Parolin, a leading papal candidate. Because nothing says “Blessed Be” like a political smear campaign!
And yet.
Despite their billion-dollar bribe buffet, despite whispered lies and PR sabotage, the Cardinals elected Robert Prevost, a reformer in the spirit of Pope Francis. Pope Leo XIV, who notably helped advance Francis’ groundbreaking reforms—like adding women’s voices to the bishop-nomination process—emerged as the unifying choice.
Turns out, you can’t bully the Holy Spirit.
I don’t know about you, but I’m thrilled. Because if even the Vatican can resist American oligarchs throwing money at power, maybe—just maybe—there’s hope for the rest of us.
So here’s to Pope Leo XIV. May he carry forward the compassion and progress of Francis. May he keep standing up for the poor, the displaced, the marginalized. And may he keep reminding billionaires everywhere that you don’t get to buy God’s will.
Amen. Or in my case, “Hell yes.”
Stay hopeful, stay scrappy, and watch out for anyone selling papal NFTs,
Julie Bolejack, MBA
P.S. Imagine spending $1 billion and still losing. Bet they’re googling “indulgences” right about now.
