🔥 Hot Pants Mike and the Perils of the Jalapeño Lunch 🔥

A Cautionary Tale from the Cubicle Trenches of Anthem - years ago when I was a computer programmer there.

Back in the days when flip phones were cutting-edge and computer programs were written in languages only three people in the building understood, we had a young programmer named Mike. Mike was smart. Mike was eager. Mike was also, regrettably, very into jalapeños.

One fateful Tuesday—because of course it was a Tuesday—Mike took his usual programming break and headed to the Anthem cafeteria. He returned triumphantly with a paper boat of nacho glory: chips, gooey orange cheese, and an impressive pile of sliced jalapeños. The man ate it with the reckless abandon of someone who had never, ever chopped a chile in his life.

He was halfway through his masterpiece when nature called. And this, dear reader, is where our story takes a spicy turn.

Mike, not being the cautious sort, headed to the men’s room without a second thought. Or soap. Or a full understanding of what capsaicin—the fiery oil in jalapeños—can do to human flesh. He came back a few minutes later looking perfectly normal. For about seven seconds.

Suddenly, he stood up with the urgency of a man who’d just remembered he left his toddler in a shopping cart. His face went red, his eyes wide, and he let out a quiet but unmistakable, “Oh no.” Then, he bolted.

Reports from inside sources (i.e., the guy in the next stall) confirmed that Mike was found at the sink, frantically trying to douse his ahem lower regions with cold water, whimpering something about “fire” and “poor life choices.” But anyone who’s ever tangoed with chiles knows—water only spreads the heat. You need oil, dairy, or time. None of which Mike had.

Needless to say, he went home early that day. Possibly with a bag of frozen peas and a new understanding of cause and effect.

The next morning, Mike returned, humbled but alive. Unfortunately for him, the rest of the office had… thoughts.

His nameplate now read “Hot Pants Mike.”

A fire extinguisher had been lovingly zip-tied to his workstation.

And the cafeteria posted a new warning: “CAUTION: Jalapeños are spicy. Wash hands before touching anything—especially everything.”

Mike took it in stride. Eventually. But let this story stand as a spicy PSA for all future pepper enthusiasts: what goes in your mouth can absolutely come back to haunt other parts of your anatomy.

Which brings us, naturally, to the world of chiles—because Mike’s tragic saga inspired today’s deep dive into everything you need to know about these fiery fruits.

Turn the page, brave reader, and prepare to meet the jalapeño’s extended (and often even meaner) family.

🌶️🔥👖 #NeverForgetHotPantsMike

🌶️ Hot Stuff: The Bold, Fiery World of Chiles 🌶️

By someone who once touched their eye after chopping one

Let’s talk chiles. Not to be confused with chili (the stew) or Chile (the country), we’re talking about the fruit that adds fire to our food, drama to our dinner, and occasional regret to our digestive tract.

Chiles—also spelled “chilis” or “chilies” depending on your level of spice-induced delirium—are members of the Capsicum genus, part of the nightshade family (hello, tomatoes, potatoes, and eggplants). They’ve been flavoring food and challenging machismo since at least 6,000 BCE in the Americas. And the rest of the world? They didn’t even know what they were missing until Christopher Columbus stumbled onto the wrong continent and then sailed home with a pouch of red heat bombs instead of black pepper.

🔥 Fresh vs. Dried: It’s Not Just About Moisture

Let’s get this out of the way: fresh and dried chiles are not the same. They’re related, yes—but they behave like different people at a party. Fresh chiles are juicy, vegetal, and perky. Dried chiles are deep, smoky, and complex. You wouldn’t toss a dried ancho chile into your guacamole unless you wanted to invite chaos. Nor would you casually snack on a raw habanero unless you had a dare, a death wish, or a fire extinguisher.

Many dried chiles are simply fresh chiles in a new outfit:

• Jalapeño (fresh) becomes Chipotle (dried and smoked)
• Poblano (fresh) becomes Ancho (dried)
• Serrano (fresh) becomes Dried Serrano (still mean, now leathery)
• Cayenne (fresh) becomes the powdered form you accidentally dump into soup when the shaker lid falls off
  

🌍 Where Chiles Are Grown: Heat Has No Borders

Originally native to Central and South America, chiles now grow everywhere with sun and backbone. Here’s a quick global roundup:

• Mexico: The undisputed spiritual home of chile diversity. From earthy pasilla to sweet mulato to murderous habanero, this is where the chile god reigns.
• India: One of the world’s largest producers and consumers. The bhut jolokia (ghost pepper) hails from here and once held the title of “hottest chile on Earth.” Still used in military-grade deterrents. And, yes, curries.
• Thailand: Home to the deceptively small but mighty bird’s eye chile. Used in salads, soups, and as a way to make your relatives cry.
• United States: Especially New Mexico, where the Hatch chile cult runs deep. Anaheim, cayenne, and jalapeño also flourish here.
• China: Particularly in Sichuan and Hunan cuisines, where spice is a daily expectation, not a suggestion.
• Africa: Peri-peri chiles light up everything from Mozambique to Portuguese chicken dishes.
• Hungary: Paprika, a ground form of dried red chile, is a national treasure, proof that not all chiles are fire—some are smoky, sweet, and soul-soothing.

🧪 Scoville Scale: Measuring the Madness

Thank Wilbur Scoville for this spicy little unit of measure. The Scoville Heat Unit (SHU) tells you how much your mouth might scream.

• Bell Pepper: 0 SHU
• Jalapeño: 2,500–8,000 SHU
• Serrano: 10,000–25,000 SHU
• Habanero: 100,000–350,000 SHU
• Ghost Pepper: 1,000,000+ SHU
• Carolina Reaper: Why would you do this to yourself?

🍽️ What to Do with Them (Besides Cry)

• Fresh: Great for salsas, stir-fries, and raw garnishes. Slice thin to control heat—or roast to mellow it out.
• Dried: Toast and grind for spice blends or soak and blend into sauces like mole or enchilada sauce.
• Pickled: Jalapeños, especially, make an addictive topping.
• Stuffed: Poblanos were born to be filled with cheese, meat, or rice.

So next time you see a chile—respect it. This small but mighty fruit has circled the globe, evolved across cultures, and left a trail of scorched tastebuds in its wake. Whether you’re on Team Mild or Team Masochist, there’s a chile for you. Just… wash your hands before touching your face.

You’ve been warned. 🌶️

Julie Bolejack, MBA