I know my crowd, we’re not ready for this 💩

Hey there, future-posthumans-and-beyond aficionados!

Welcome to the Totally Unbiased Weekly Thiel Special—your one-stop shop for the latest in billionaire musings, awkward hesitations, and existential brand repositioning. Let’s dive in, shall we?

Assistant’s Intro: “Here’s Your Cue, Peter…”

Picture Peter Thiel’s assistant backstage at the Ross Douthat interview:

“Alright, Pete—when they ask ‘should humanity survive?’ you say ‘uhhh… yes, but only if I can turn us into immortal cyborg gods.’ Cool?”

Cut to Thiel, blinking, flustered, mumbling filler words like he’s defending how many sheets of toilet paper he uses nightly. And just when you think he’ll land the obvious answer, he veers off into a sermon about transhumanism, immortal bodies, and… some desperate need to out-trans every trans person alive. Classic pot-meets-kettle energy. 

Transhumanism: Because Gender Transition Isn’t Weird Enough

Thiel’s über-deep transhuman pitch:

“Changing your body is so primitive—what about changing your heart, mind, entire being?”

Yes, nothing screams “forward-thinking tech bro utopia” quite like casually diminishing transgender experiences by comparing them to your grandiose sci-fi fantasy. Because obviously your path to immortality isn’t valid unless it hits all the radical sci-fi tropes. 🙄

Sociopath Meets Silicon Valley Philosophy Nerd

Let’s break it down:

• Hesitation when asked if he wants humanity to endure = organic, vulnerable billionaire moment.
• Pivot to “radical immortal body transformation” = promotional plug for his biolab ambitions.
• Punching down on trans people = surprising pivot into spectacle theater.

The internet’s response?

“F****** sociopaths.”

“He wants 90% to die out so he can be overlord.” 

Honestly, those sound about right if you listened to the buzzwords without the scarf and ironic grin.

Is This Just Another Thiel Parabiosis Pitch?

Remember those youthful blood transfusions and cryogenics he’s supposedly into? Yep, he’s doubling down. Immortal body, ancestral blood taps, life-extension startups—basically everything you expect from someone trying to live forever while lecturing the rest of us on inadequate transformations.

Final Barbed Disclosure

In the grand tradition of Silicon Valley’s TESCREAL crowd, Thiel transforms tragedy into tech pitch—melding immortality, authoritarian post-human visions, and a sprinkle of personal-gender disparagement for flavor. 

Stay tuned for next week’s issue, where we explore Thiel’s dream of DIY genome-edited telepathy—because if you’re going to transcend humanity, why not read our minds too?

Until then—resist the urge to upload your consciousness, and don’t let billionaires define your existential worth.

Your Friendly (Still Mortal) Newsletter Editor

Julie Bolejack, MBA

P.S. I am assuming my readers know who Peter Thiel is. If not, your homework assignment is to research the guy.