Dear Friends, Lovers of Reason, and Survivors of Social Media,

It is with great reluctance (and a stiff drink in hand) that I must inform you of a grave threat to our civilization. No, not war, famine, or the unholy union of cargo shorts and dress shoes. I speak of a menace far more insidious: the festering, bird-brained disaster known as Twitter.

Ah, Twitter! That once-innocent microblogging platform, now a hellscape where the loudest ignoramus reigns supreme, where facts go to be publicly flogged, and where civilization itself is held hostage by the deranged whims of tech billionaires and bot armies.

Shall we count the ways in which this digital dumpster fire has blighted the earth? Oh, let’s.

1. The Stupification of Humanity

Once upon a time, great minds wrote essays, debated in salons, and engaged in thoughtful discourse. But why toil over meaningful communication when you can vomit your half-baked opinions into the void in 280 characters or less? Twitter has turned thinking into a lost art, replaced by reactionary screeching, toxic hot takes, and the intellectual depth of a puddle in Death Valley.

1. The Rage Economy: Now with Extra Screaming!

There was a time when we reserved public meltdowns for holiday dinners with our least favorite relatives. Now, thanks to Twitter, outrage is currency. The algorithm doesn’t care whether a take is smart, ethical, or even based in reality—it simply rewards whatever gets the angriest responses. Rational discourse? Boring. Nuance? Weak. Civilization? Overrated. But dunking on strangers with cartoon avatars? Now that’s engagement!

1. Misinformation: The Fastest-Spreading Virus in History

Oh, you thought the plague was bad? That had a 14th-century PR team compared to Twitter. Here, conspiracy theories flourish like weeds, and before you can blink, your sweet Aunt Mildred is convinced that lizard people control the government, vaccines are a hoax, and birds aren’t real (well, except for Twitter’s, which we do need to kill).

1. The Ego Death Spiral of the Modern Tech Bro

Speaking of plagues, let’s discuss the spectacle of watching a billionaire (you know the one) turn a once-useful platform into his personal playpen for fragile egos. Watching Twitter’s descent has been like observing a slow-motion train wreck—if the train were also actively setting itself on fire, running over its own passengers, and charging a monthly fee for the privilege.

1. The Ultimate Doomscrolling Machine

Remember when staring into the abyss was just a metaphor? Twitter took that as a challenge. It has perfected the art of doomscrolling—an activity where you voluntarily inject anxiety directly into your eyeballs, ensuring that no matter what time of day it is, you are perpetually one tweet away from existential despair.

So What Must Be Done?

It’s simple, my dear readers: Kill the Bird. Pluck it, roast it, serve it with a nice Chianti—whatever it takes. If Twitter vanished tomorrow, the world would be instantly, measurably better. Productivity would soar, blood pressure would drop, and people might—dare I say it—speak to each other in full sentences again.

Will this newsletter change the world? Probably not. But at least I had the last word—which, in the end, is all anyone on Twitter ever really wants anyway.

With infinite wisdom and impeccable taste,
Julie Bolejack, MBA

#PluckTwitter