Monday Musings: The Art of the Distraction—Trump Edition
Ladies, gentlemen, and independent voters with chronic migraines, welcome to another week in these United States, where the news cycle moves faster than a toddler on espresso, and reality resembles a Mark Twain fever dream. Our dear leader—who, through a series of unfortunate events, once again occupies the White House—has given us much to look forward to this week. If you thought last week’s absurdities were peak performance, buckle up. We’re about to experience “The Art of the Distraction” in all its glory.
As a public service, we present the Top 10 Spectacles Likely to Drop This Week from the White House’s Department of Smoke & Mirrors, Distractions & Diversions, and General Nonsense.
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- The Great Statue Swap
Since renaming military bases to honor Confederates isn’t happening fast enough, the Trump administration may just replace the Lincoln Memorial with a 300-foot gold-plated statue of himself giving a thumbs-up. Who better to symbolize unity than a man whose entire personality is built on dividing people like a malfunctioning biblical plague?
Expect an executive order insisting that visitors to the memorial must recite the phrase “This is the greatest statue. Many people are saying.” before being allowed to exit.
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- The Return of Trump Steak … for School Lunches!
In a bold move to support his failing business empire, the administration is poised to replace the Biden-era free lunch program with Trump Steaks For Kids™. The USDA will no longer concern itself with “nutritional value” but instead with “branding opportunities.” Children can look forward to a meal of tough, well-done steak with ketchup packets labeled as “Billionaire Sauce.”
Rumors suggest that Michelle Obama has already started rage-baking kale chips in protest.
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- Melania’s Reappearance (But Only Via AI)
After months of absence and speculation that she has either fled to an undisclosed location or has been turned into a wax figure at Mar-a-Lago, Melania Trump will make a “surprise” public appearance this week—except she’ll be a deepfake video, voiced by an AI trained on three years of hostage videos.
Aides insist she is “very, very happy” and “definitely loves her life,” while her real location remains unknown, likely somewhere with Wi-Fi but no husband.
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- The Ministry of Truth & Alternative Facts Returns!
The administration is set to relaunch the Office of Disinformation, which will be responsible for rebranding unpleasant realities.
For example:
• Record heat waves? Fake News. It’s actually a “Patriotic Warm Front.”
• Budget cuts to social programs? A “Fiscal Opportunity for Personal Responsibility.”
• The arrest of Trump’s former lawyer? Just another case of “Deep State Lawfare” against innocent rich guys who don’t pay taxes.
A press conference featuring a conspiracy theorist dressed like George Washington is expected by midweek.
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- The 1776 Project: Education Goes Full MAGA
With schools being too “woke” for the administration’s liking, expect a new education mandate that will require all American history books to include the following:
• Trump’s face superimposed onto the signing of the Declaration of Independence
• A chapter dedicated to “Why Andrew Jackson Would Have Loved Twitter”
• Math problems that now include questions like: “If we deport 3,000 immigrants per day, how long until Mar-a-Lago has to hire white waiters?”
Texas school districts are already ordering copies.
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- The National Guard is Being Deployed…To Fact-Check Late-Night Hosts
Sick of being roasted by comedians who are funnier than he is, Trump may declare a National Emergency to fight satire.
Jimmy Kimmel, Stephen Colbert, and Trevor Noah (despite no longer hosting a show) have already been labeled “Enemies of the State”, and Tucker Carlson will be named the new “Secretary of Humor” to teach Americans what real comedy is—like repeating the same punchline about “Sleepy Joe” 500 times.
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- Executive Order: Trump is Now a War Hero
To silence critics who claim he dodged the Vietnam draft via “strategic bone spurs,” Trump may issue an executive order declaring himself a decorated war hero.
The citation will read:
“For tremendous bravery in the War Against Fake News, President Trump is awarded the Medal of Honor for his fearless Twitter battles and unparalleled sacrifice of being fact-checked in real-time.”
Expect a military parade featuring golf carts down Pennsylvania Avenue.
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- Trump Declares Bankruptcy (On Behalf of the U.S.)
Given his familiarity with bankruptcy laws, Trump might propose a financial reset for America. Instead of tackling national debt responsibly, he’ll declare Chapter 11 for the country and relaunch it as “America 2.0”—sponsored by MyPillow.
Janet Yellen, upon hearing this idea, has reportedly started drinking before noon.
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- Trump’s Space Force to Claim the Moon (And Name It After Himself)
This week, expect the rebranding of the Moon as “Trump Space Resort and Casino” under the newly militarized Space Force. The White House press release will state:
“The Moon is totally American now. No more sharing it with China, liberals, or the UN.”
Astronauts will be required to plant Trump flags and sell condos in low-gravity environments.
Elon Musk, despite his weirdly sycophantic support of Trump, is rumored to be very confused about this.
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- A Twitter Meltdown of Biblical Proportions
As the week winds down, expect Trump to wake up at 2 AM, grab his phone, and drop a 20-tweet rampage against a former ally who mildly criticized him.
Possible targets include:
• Ron DeSantis (“Ron DeSad! The worst! Almost worse than Crooked Joe!!!”)
• Fox News (“I MADE YOU! NOW YOU TURN ON ME? VERY BAD!”)
• Taylor Swift (“Total has-been. Everyone says she’s not talented. SAD.”)
Look for the administration to use these hashtags this week. #Trump2028 #WitchHunt #CovfefeLives
Julie Bolejack, MBA
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Final Thoughts
As we prepare for the inevitable breaking news notifications of the week, remember: every scandal, policy blunder, and legal circus is just another episode of “The Art of the Distraction.”
So stay vigilant, fact-check everything, and, if all else fails, keep a bottle of whiskey handy.
Happy Monday!
#executivedysfunction #oopshediditagain #artofthedistraction
