National Nutrition Month: A Lost Cause Thanks to Political Madness

By Someone Who Gave Up and Opened a Bag of Chips

March: The Month We Were Supposed to Care About Kale

March, as you may know, is National Nutrition Month—a time for reflection, renewal, and reintroducing ourselves to the vegetables we’ve successfully avoided for eleven months. The noble folks behind this campaign, with hearts full of hope and stomachs full of quinoa, would like us all to make better food choices, practice mindful eating, and resist the siren song of processed delights.

And in a normal world, that might be possible.

Unfortunately, we do not live in a normal world. We live in a world where presidential candidates are indicted on more charges than we have fingers, billionaires are toying with democracy as though it’s a beta test for their latest app, and the daily news cycle is more stressful than a Thanksgiving dinner hosted by warring political relatives.

We regret to inform the fine nutritionists of America that this year’s National Nutrition Month is doomed. Thanks to political insanity, stress eating has become not just a coping mechanism but a moral imperative.

The Political Diet Plan: Rage, Snacks, Repeat

Consider, if you will, the sheer impossibility of maintaining a healthy diet in today’s climate. You wake up, full of resolve. Today is the day, you tell yourself. Egg whites for breakfast, a sensible salad for lunch, a dinner that does not come from a drive-thru window.

Then you make the grave mistake of looking at the news.

Your morning begins with an update about a certain former president who is now spending more time in courtrooms than golf courses, promising revenge upon all who dare enforce the law. Your cortisol spikes, and you find yourself halfway through a cinnamon roll before you even realize what happened.

By lunchtime, Elon Musk has, once again, rebranded something that did not need rebranding, fired someone who did need a job, or suggested that democracy should be a subscription-based service. You feel your blood pressure rising, and the kale salad in front of you looks about as comforting as a congressional hearing. You order fries. Large.

By dinner, social media is alight with outrage, congressional hearings have descended into unhinged grandstanding, and another politician has been caught in a scandal that will not, inexplicably, end their career. You have reached your limit. You cancel your plans for grilled salmon and instead eat a family-sized bag of Doritos over the sink while mumbling this is fine to yourself.

And thus, the noble mission of National Nutrition Month perishes beneath an avalanche of stress-induced snacking.

Mindful Eating? We’re Mindfully Devouring Entire Pints of Ice Cream

The health experts will tell you that mindful eating is the key to success. “Listen to your body’s hunger cues,” they say. “Eat only until you’re satisfied.”

Dear experts, we appreciate your optimism, but we must inform you that our body’s hunger cues are directly correlated to the number of felony indictments in the news. And as long as political figures are trading democracy for personal gain, satisfaction will remain an elusive dream, much like bipartisanship and affordable healthcare.

We don’t want to inhale a package of Oreos like a woodchipper. We simply live in a world where Florida Man now has multiple presidential candidates competing for his title, and that kind of stress demands snacks.

The Perils of Grocery Shopping in an Election Year

For those among us still bravely attempting to eat healthy, we salute you. But let us not forget the true horror of the modern grocery store, where even the most well-intentioned shopper is doomed to failure.

Take the innocent task of purchasing eggs. You enter the store with a heart full of hope, prepared to make smart choices. But then you see the price of a carton of eggs, and suddenly, you’re having an existential crisis in the dairy aisle. Do you buy the eggs? Do you sell a kidney? Do you take out a small loan with an adjustable interest rate?

The stress is overwhelming. Before you know it, you’re standing in the self-checkout lane with a bottle of wine, a frozen pizza, and a sleeve of Oreos, mumbling something about inflation as the machine demands you scan your items with the speed and accuracy of a trained cashier.

The Only Meal Plan That’s Politician-Proof

At this point, you may be wondering: How does one actually succeed at National Nutrition Month in such times of madness?

The answer, dear reader, is simple: one does not.

However, if you must attempt it, we offer the following revised meal plan, scientifically designed for surviving the news cycle:

• Breakfast: A protein smoothie, ideally consumed before reading the morning headlines and giving up entirely.
• Mid-Morning Snack: A handful of almonds, thrown aggressively at the television when another politician dodges a subpoena.
• Lunch: A sensible salad, eaten while doom-scrolling and reconsidering all of your life choices.
• Afternoon Snack: Whatever is closest to you when you read that Musk has rebranded again.
• Dinner: An entire pizza, because at this point, you deserve it.

Final Thoughts: Just Embrace It

National Nutrition Month, we respect your mission. We truly do. But asking people to embrace healthy eating in an era where democracy itself is on a crash diet? That’s asking a lot.

So, to the wellness gurus urging us to swap comfort food for quinoa, we say: Not this year, friends. Not this year.

This month, we shall eat our snacks without shame. Because when faced with a world where billionaires and politicians make headlines more absurd than satire, sometimes, the only rational response is to open another bag of chips.

Here’s to stress eating, political chaos, and the eternal dream of a saner tomorrow.

Julie Bolejack, MBA

Disclaimer: This newsletter is meant to be consumed with humor. Preferably alongside a balanced meal. But mostly, humor.

Final though: Demi Moore was robbed of an Oscar last night. IMO