Obituary: The Life and Times of Charlie Kirk
America today mourns — or perhaps breathes a sigh of relief — at the passing of Charlie Kirk, founder of Turning Point USA and tireless crusader for the right of white men to never, ever stop complaining.
Kirk, who once declared that “white privilege is a myth” and assured us that the “Great Replacement is not a theory, it’s a reality,” built his career on transforming college campuses into TED Talks for resentment. Students who came hoping to learn about history or critical thinking instead left with flashcards of Fox News slogans.
He was known for a voice that could take any topic — immigration, women’s rights, LGBTQ+ equality — and boil it down to: “This makes me feel attacked.” When two men married, Kirk saw civilization in collapse. When a transgender teen sought care, he called it “abuse” and demanded gender-affirming healthcare be banned nationwide. To him, science, compassion, and freedom of choice were all socialist plots.
Kirk never missed a chance to thump a Bible for credibility. Quoting Leviticus 20:13, he reminded America that God’s “perfect law” involved executing gay men, because nothing says “family values” like selective Old Testament cosplay.
His commentary on antisemitism deserves its own museum wing. Kirk mused that “Jews have been some of the largest funders of cultural Marxist ideas,” while also declaring they had infiltrated colleges, nonprofits, and Hollywood. When Elon Musk amplified antisemitic conspiracies, Kirk leapt to defend him, claiming Jewish communities push “hatred against whites.” Truly, he found a way to both-sides even history’s oldest hate.
He did not spare American heroes either. Martin Luther King Jr., Kirk assured us, was “just a man … a very flawed one at that,” stripping away the legacy of civil rights to remind us that nothing must be sacred if it interferes with Charlie’s preferred narrative.
Of course, no obituary would be complete without acknowledging what he leaves behind: Turning Point USA, his propaganda machine disguised as a nonprofit, dedicated to ensuring the next generation can rant about “cultural Marxism” before finishing Econ 101. His followers will remember him as a man who bravely tweeted through every news cycle, armed only with talking points and a persecution complex.
Charlie Kirk is survived by YouTube thumbnails with red arrows, soundbites that age like milk, and a legacy of making America dumber on purpose. If he finds heaven, he will no doubt ask St. Peter to produce voter ID before entry.
Rest in peace, Charlie. Or more accurately: Rest in the echo chamber you built.
Julie Bolejack, MBA
