🎄 Operation Silent Night: ICE Raids the Christmas Markets 🎄

Ho ho ho, America! Grab your cocoa and your constitutional rights — the Trump Administration (Act II: The Sequel Nobody Asked For) has unwrapped an early Christmas present. Under the direction of Chief of Staff and de-facto President Stephen “Dr. Seuss Never Smiled” Miller, the White House is launching Operation Silent Night, a bold new plan to cleanse American soil of its greatest threat yet: German-influenced Christmas Markets.

You heard that right. Not fentanyl. Not extremist militias. Not corruption or collapsing infrastructure.

Christmas Markets.

According to Miller — who speaks as though joy personally wronged him at age seven — these charming holiday pop-ups represent “a dangerous infiltration of foreign aesthetics into the American yuletide experience.” He cited gingerbread, pretzels, mulled wine, and decorative wooden toys as “slippery-slope cultural hazards” that could “erode America’s traditional values of over-lit inflatables and Costco sheet cakes.”

In a grim press briefing, Miller declared:

“There is no place in our America First policy to tolerate foreign influence or mimicking other countries. If God wanted us to have Christmas cheer imported from Europe, He would have written it into the Constitution.”

Constitutional scholars immediately pointed out that the Constitution does not mention Christmas at all — a fact Miller has promised to “correct” in a forthcoming Executive Order.

ICE Deployment: Now With Holiday Spirit

Under Operation Silent Night, ICE agents will be dispatched in full riot gear to Christmas Markets nationwide. But don’t worry — they’ll be wearing festive riot gear: tactical red vests, green helmets, and candy-cane batons, all manufactured in the very country they’re raiding against (China, naturally).

Their mission?

To enforce holiday purity.

Agents are instructed to scan booths for suspiciously foreign items such as:

• Hand-carved German ornaments
• Swiss-style raclette
• French crêpes (already declared a gateway food)
• Anything spelled with an umlaut
• Any beverage served warm that is not coffee
• Vendors who smile too much

One unnamed Homeland Security official admitted the raids will likely be confusing, because 90% of American Christmas traditions are imported from somewhere else.

“Yeah, look,” he said, shrugging, “Jesus wasn’t born in Indiana, Christmas trees are German, Santa’s from multiple continents, reindeer are Scandinavian, nutcrackers are Bavarian, St. Nicholas is Turkish, and half the soundtrack is written by Jewish songwriters… but Stephen Miller says we’ve got to pretend this is all home-grown. So… here we are.”

The Christmas Village Crackdown

Vendors will be asked to show proof of “Holiday Citizenship,” a new designation Miller created last Tuesday while microwaving a frozen dinner. Acceptable documentation includes:

• A birth certificate proving you were delivered in a Walmart
• A notarized statement affirming you said the Pledge of Allegiance before opening your booth
• A video of you eating a candy cane wrapped in bacon
• A MAGA-themed Advent calendar (surprisingly real — releasing soon)

Should a vendor fail to comply, their booth will be seized and replaced with an approved “Freedom Tent,” featuring:

• Hot dogs slathered in “Liberty Mustard”
• Christmas decor exclusively from Hobby Lobby
• A Santa who checks voter registration before lap visits
• A soundtrack of Kid Rock carols (there are three, and they are all unholy)

Miller’s Christmas Message

In a televised address delivered from what appeared to be the bunker from Dr. Strangelove, Miller warned:

“We must secure an American Christmas for American children. No more gingerbread socialism. No more pretzel globalism. No more wooden toys carved by foreign hands. Together, we reclaim Christmas from the Germans, the Swiss, the French, and any other country that dares to celebrate it better than we do.”

He then smiled — an event so rare that emergency rooms reported spikes in fainting.

The Future of Holiday Enforcement

Sources say next year’s targets include:

• Scandinavian-style hygge
• Any Christmas ornament not purchased at Menards
• Carolers harmonizing “too well”
• The entire city of Leavenworth, Washington, for “being suspiciously Bavarian”

So bundle up, America. Santa Claus may be coming to town, but this year, ICE is too — and they’re checking lists you didn’t know you were on.

Merry Christmas, courtesy of Operation Silent Night.

And may your glühwein be contraband-free.

Satire by Julie Bolejack, MBA

juliebolejack.com

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