Dear Elon, I hope this message finds you in high spirits and soaring stock prices. As per your request for a rundown of my week’s most significant accomplishments, I’m thrilled to share the following highlights: 1. Masterminded Major Government Efficiency Initiatives In collaboration with the Department of Government
Ah, Ukraine. That plucky little country that just keeps refusing to roll over and let itself be plundered like a well-stocked general store in a town with no sheriff. You have to admire their spirit—so much so that you’d almost forget that the so-called champions of democracy, the
Here are a couple of snarky headline choices for your letter: Dear Fellow Americans, Well, here we are. Another day in this magnificent experiment of democracy, and another moment that leaves us wondering if we’ve collectively slipped into a dystopian satire written by an AI programmed with nothing but
My dear fellow Americans, particularly those who have perfected the fine art of shooting themselves in both feet and then demanding the government take away their crutches—allow me a moment of your time. I come not to praise your voting habits, but to marvel at them, for there is
“DOGE’s $55 Billion ‘Savings’: A Drop in the Ocean of Trillion-Dollar Tax Cuts” In the grand theater of fiscal policy, the Trump administration has unveiled a plan to bestow tax cuts ranging from $5 trillion to $11 trillion over the next decade, primarily benefiting the wealthiest Americans. To offset
Fellow citizens, gather ‘round, for I bring you a tale so rich in irony, so steeped in absurdity, that only the most devoted acolytes of a reality-defying demagogue could whisper it with a straight face. It appears that the esteemed sage of our time, the Right Honorable Donald J. Trump,
Like many of you, I had no idea who Kendrick Lamar was beyond knowing he was a young rap artist, and I wasn’t exactly excited for his Super Bowl halftime show. When I watched it, I was confused and, honestly, let down. I held back from posting a full-on
Dear Esteemed Readers, In the annals of human folly, there exists a peculiar breed of charlatan whose audacity knows no bounds. These individuals, when ensnared by the very laws they swore to uphold, bellow cries of “lawfare,” attempting to cloak their misdeeds beneath a veneer of victimhood. It is a
February 16, 2025 Dear Esteemed Readers, If you are reading this, congratulations—you have survived yet another week of what is turning out for most of us to be a shambolic new year, and I, for one, think that deserves a medal. Or at the very least, a hot beverage
My Dear Fellow Citizens, In a world brimming with inventions of dubious necessity—such as powdered wigs for dogs and self-stirring spoons—we often overlook one of nature’s most profound and practical endowments: the middle finger. Yes, dear reader, that oft-misunderstood digit, poised like a noble lighthouse in the
❤️ My Dear Fellow Americans ❤️, It is with great pleasure (and no small amount of swamp water) that we, the newly appointed Guardians of the White House Lawn, write to inform you that today, on this most romantic of occasions, we are throwing the grandest Valentine’s Day celebration Washington has
Ladies and gentlemen, rejoice! We have done it. We have cleansed our society of the most dangerous, most radical, most utterly terrifying concepts ever conceived: Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion. The D is dead! No more pesky variety in thought, background, or culture. Sameness is our new national aesthetic, beige, predictable,