Back when summers felt like they were made to last and neighbors actually knew each other’s dogs’ names, there was a fifth-grade boy named Dale and one very determined little red wagon. Now, this wasn’t some soulless plastic contraption with a Bluetooth tracker and cup holders. No sir—
Dear friends, foes, and fellow screamers, Today’s mood is brought to you by “The Scream”, but reimagined with marshmallow Peeps, which somehow feels… just right. Because nothing says “existential dread in pastel form” quite like a bunny-shaped sugar bomb silently howling into the abyss. If Edvard Munch had lived
Ah, Easter. A sacred day of brunches, blessings, and—as it turns out—bumping a Tesla with the subtle grace of a distracted valet goat. Yes, we may have “kissed” the rear end of a white Tesla Model 3 while maneuvering into a questionably tight parking spot on a hill
This week, I interrupt the usual snark to acknowledge something bigger than the latest clown car on the national stage: the Earth is quietly staging her annual comeback tour. No hashtags. No press release. Just soft blooms pushing through hardened ground like it’s no big deal. It’s Easter,
“I Broke It Just for You: The Trump Guide to Destruction, Duct Tape, and Demands for Worship” By America’s Most Exhausted Fact-Checker Ladies and gentlemen, patriots and fellow victims of political whiplash, gather ’round as we pay homage to the undisputed master of break-it-yourself governance—Donald J. Trump, the
American Edge Project: Because Nothing Says ‘Freedom’ Like a Facebook-Funded Front Group —Brought to you by the same folks who brought you algorithmic rage and your Aunt Linda’s descent into QAnon. Patriotism, folks—it’s no longer about public service, civic engagement, or even basic human decency. Nope. In
By Someone Who Still Reads Books and Doesn’t Bow to Golden Statues of Grifters Congratulations, America! If you’ve been losing sleep over whether or not we’re teetering on the edge of authoritarianism, worry no more—we’ve gone ahead and jumped straight into the Dictator Starter Kit™
Dear Friends in Freedom (or what’s left of it), Let’s talk about Project 2025—because what better way to start the day than with a light dose of political dread wrapped in a bureaucratic bow? Now, for those of you lucky enough to have been blissfully unaware, Project
A Patriotic Parade of Shame: America’s Top 10 Global Rankings That Aren’t Worth Bragging About Dear Disillusioned but Still Awake Citizens, You know what Americans love? Being #1. We chant it at sporting events, slap it on truck bumpers, and whisper it into bald eagle feathers while fireworks
Today’s Presidential Power Hour Was Brought to You by Lies, Grievances, and Beef with CNN Dear Fellow Sanity Survivors, If you had a job to do yesterday, a family to care for, or literally anything better to do than watch Trump hold court like a cranky Game of Thrones
Oh, so now we’re doing the full fascist speed run, huh? No more slow-burn authoritarianism. No more dog whistles. Just bullhorns, bootlicking, and a regime on steroids checking off the “How to Kill a Democracy” list like it’s goddamn brunch plans. Let’s not sugarcoat this. We are
A1 for America: The Secret Sauce to Fix Our Failing Schools (Move Over, AI Dear Enlightened Citizens, Hungry for Knowledge and Maybe a Steak, In a bold leap forward for public education, our Secretary of Education—whose name shall be withheld out of pity, not privacy—delivered a visionary statement