Today’s Presidential Power Hour Was Brought to You by Lies, Grievances, and Beef with CNN Dear Fellow Sanity Survivors, If you had a job to do yesterday, a family to care for, or literally anything better to do than watch Trump hold court like a cranky Game of Thrones
Oh, so now we’re doing the full fascist speed run, huh? No more slow-burn authoritarianism. No more dog whistles. Just bullhorns, bootlicking, and a regime on steroids checking off the “How to Kill a Democracy” list like it’s goddamn brunch plans. Let’s not sugarcoat this. We are
A1 for America: The Secret Sauce to Fix Our Failing Schools (Move Over, AI Dear Enlightened Citizens, Hungry for Knowledge and Maybe a Steak, In a bold leap forward for public education, our Secretary of Education—whose name shall be withheld out of pity, not privacy—delivered a visionary statement
Dear Esteemed Readers, Fellow Survivors, and Those Who’ve Mastered the Art of Facepalming, Welcome to the latest edition of our newsletter, where we navigate the rollercoaster of recent events with the grace of a cat on a hot tin roof. For those blissfully unaware (lucky you) and those all
Here’s your extra gooey, sarcasm-drenched newsletter, piping hot from the oven of absurdity: Because nothing says “public service” like fresh-baked emotional support snacks. BREAKING: Secretary of the Interior Doug Burgum Needs Warm Chocolate Chip Cookies to Do His Job Yes, you read that right. In a shocking exposé on
“Heavy on sarcasm, light on IQ points.” Breaking News: Elon Musk Calls Peter Navarro ‘Dumber Than a Sack of Bricks’ And honestly? The bricks are offended. In a rare moment of clarity (or maybe just Twitter-induced boredom), Elon Musk—our favorite spacefaring, meme-mongering, Mars-curious oligarch—decided to take a swing
I went to the dentist recently. Nice enough guy—white, late 30s, the kind of man whose golf handicap is probably more important to him than, say, voting rights or the climate crisis. While I sat in the chair, mouth wide open and vulnerable, he casually declared, “I don’t
There weren’t a lot of luxuries in the small town where I grew up—but we had a library. And let me tell you, that little building held more treasure than any mall, movie theater, or shiny new gadget ever could. It was where I first discovered the joy
From Hitler to Trump: What Grievance Politics and Authoritarian Messaging Have in Common. Let’s get one thing straight up front: Donald Trump is not Adolf Hitler. He didn’t start a world war (but is starting a tariff war). He didn’t orchestrate a genocide. And he didn’t
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE PENGUINS SLAP BACK: PENGUIN FINANCIAL SERVICES LAUNCHES IN RESPONSE TO HISTORICALLY UNFAIR TARIFFS ON UNINHABITED ISLAND “The most unjust tax in the history of taxation, and we’re birds, so we know a thing or two about migration and unfair borders.” ATLANTIC OCEAN—April 5, 2025 — In
Weekly Whiplash Good morning, citizens of the Free World™—where the only thing freer than our speech is the moral compass of our elected officials. I was planning to write a lighthearted piece today about spring cleaning or the joy of oatmeal, but then I opened my phone and saw
(A Survival Guide for the Gaslit, the Gutted, and the Grossly Underestimated) Dear Friends, Fighters, and Fellow Americans Who Still Have a Spine, Welcome to April 2025—where apparently “government overreach” now includes the right to control your uterus, your library card, your curriculum, your insulin prices, your marriage, your