Dear Esteemed Readers, Fellow Survivors, and Those Who’ve Mastered the Art of Facepalming, Welcome to the latest edition of our newsletter, where we navigate the rollercoaster of recent events with the grace of a cat on a hot tin roof. For those blissfully unaware (lucky you) and those all
Here’s your extra gooey, sarcasm-drenched newsletter, piping hot from the oven of absurdity: Because nothing says “public service” like fresh-baked emotional support snacks. BREAKING: Secretary of the Interior Doug Burgum Needs Warm Chocolate Chip Cookies to Do His Job Yes, you read that right. In a shocking exposé on
“Heavy on sarcasm, light on IQ points.” Breaking News: Elon Musk Calls Peter Navarro ‘Dumber Than a Sack of Bricks’ And honestly? The bricks are offended. In a rare moment of clarity (or maybe just Twitter-induced boredom), Elon Musk—our favorite spacefaring, meme-mongering, Mars-curious oligarch—decided to take a swing
I went to the dentist recently. Nice enough guy—white, late 30s, the kind of man whose golf handicap is probably more important to him than, say, voting rights or the climate crisis. While I sat in the chair, mouth wide open and vulnerable, he casually declared, “I don’t
There weren’t a lot of luxuries in the small town where I grew up—but we had a library. And let me tell you, that little building held more treasure than any mall, movie theater, or shiny new gadget ever could. It was where I first discovered the joy
From Hitler to Trump: What Grievance Politics and Authoritarian Messaging Have in Common. Let’s get one thing straight up front: Donald Trump is not Adolf Hitler. He didn’t start a world war (but is starting a tariff war). He didn’t orchestrate a genocide. And he didn’t
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE PENGUINS SLAP BACK: PENGUIN FINANCIAL SERVICES LAUNCHES IN RESPONSE TO HISTORICALLY UNFAIR TARIFFS ON UNINHABITED ISLAND “The most unjust tax in the history of taxation, and we’re birds, so we know a thing or two about migration and unfair borders.” ATLANTIC OCEAN—April 5, 2025 — In
Weekly Whiplash Good morning, citizens of the Free World™—where the only thing freer than our speech is the moral compass of our elected officials. I was planning to write a lighthearted piece today about spring cleaning or the joy of oatmeal, but then I opened my phone and saw
(A Survival Guide for the Gaslit, the Gutted, and the Grossly Underestimated) Dear Friends, Fighters, and Fellow Americans Who Still Have a Spine, Welcome to April 2025—where apparently “government overreach” now includes the right to control your uterus, your library card, your curriculum, your insulin prices, your marriage, your
How to Torch the Global Economy and Call It Freedom Fries Once upon a time in the Magical Land of Free Markets, someone read half a sentence in an economics textbook, fell asleep drooling on it, and then woke up with a revelation: Tariffs for everyone! That someone, of course,
A Stitch in Time Saves Your Sanity Now listen. I don’t mean to alarm anyone, but society is teetering on the edge, and we all know why: we no longer beat the stuffing out of inanimate objects when things go sideways. Enter: the Dammit Doll. This handmade, innocent-looking fabric
I cannot believe I have to say this in 2025, but here we are. While far too many women are obsessing over the perfect shade of gel polish or the latest TikTok contour trend, your basic human rights are being stripped away—right in front of your meticulously mascaraed eyes.