PENGUIN FINANCIAL SERVICES

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

PENGUINS SLAP BACK: PENGUIN FINANCIAL SERVICES LAUNCHES IN RESPONSE TO HISTORICALLY UNFAIR TARIFFS ON UNINHABITED ISLAND

“The most unjust tax in the history of taxation, and we’re birds, so we know a thing or two about migration and unfair borders.”

ATLANTIC OCEAN—April 5, 2025 — In a shocking turn of international economic events, a group of very upset penguins—flightless, but never powerless—have announced the launch of Penguin Financial Services (PFS), a full-service financial institution, in direct response to recently imposed tariffs by the Trump 2.0 administration on the ice-covered, completely uninhabited (by humans, anyway) island of Isla del Waddle.

That’s right, folks: tariffs on penguins. Not penguin-shaped toys. Not penguin-branded merchandise. Literal penguins. The birds. In tuxedos. Who live there. Alone.

“We find the tariffs extremely unfair, possibly the most unfair thing to happen since the invention of icebergs,” said Pierre Fluffington, Emperor Penguin and newly appointed CEO of Penguin Financial Services. “We’re not sure what we imported or exported to deserve this treatment, other than fish and strong family values.”

The Trump administration, when pressed on why they were taxing a colony of seabirds, responded with a statement that simply read, “The penguins were probably doing something. We heard from some very reliable people—smart people, beautiful people—that they were hoarding resources and possibly colluding with the Arctic. You can’t trust penguins. Sad!”

The Straw That Broke the Beak

According to the Office of Avian Affairs (an office that does not exist, but probably should), the 80% tariff applies to “any and all waddling-based economies operating outside the U.S.,” including but not limited to: iceberg-to-iceberg wire transfers, fish-based barter systems, and thermally regulated down jacket exports. The island itself, which has never submitted a census, holds a robust GDP of approximately 47,000 clams and three shiny pebbles.

“We don’t even have a formal economy,” said Greta Beakson, PFS’s Chief Operating Officer and expert in sliding-on-your-belly logistics. “But you try taxing us like we’re ExxonMobil and see what happens. Spoiler alert: you get a penguin bank.”

Introducing Penguin Financial Services: Cold Cash for a Cold World

Penguin Financial Services is unlike any institution on Earth—because it’s technically not on Earth. It’s located on a floating shelf of ice held together with hope and fish oil. Services include:

• Ice-backed Loans: Because sometimes you need liquidity and frozen liquidity.
• FishCoin: The only cryptocurrency guaranteed to smell slightly fishy.
• Pebble Portfolios: Diversify your nest egg with our proprietary “pick a rock, any rock” strategy.
• Waddle401(k): Retirement planning with options to nest anywhere south of 60° latitude.
• Offshore Banking: Literally offshore. Like, 900 miles offshore.

“We may be birds, but we’re not bird-brained,” said CFO Iceford Tuxwell, while adjusting his monocle. “We saw a need for financial autonomy in a global climate that clearly doesn’t care whether or not you have flippers.”

A Strong Stand Against Flightless Oppression

This isn’t just a business launch—it’s a movement. The penguins are flapping back at imperial economic aggression the only way they know how: by opening a surprisingly sophisticated bank with a customer service department run entirely by puffins (they’re friendlier).

The penguins have also filed a complaint with the World Trade Organization, citing “egregious discrimination against non-human, tuxedoed populations,” a claim backed by several international advocacy groups including Animals Against Absurdity (AAA) and the United Federation of Birds Who Knew This Would Happen Eventually (UFBWKTH).

“The administration’s decision to sanction birds on a rock with no phones, no roads, no commerce, and no exports was bold. Boldly stupid,” said one unnamed diplomatic walrus. “It’s like taxing the moon because it looked at you funny.”

What’s Next? Tariffs on Otters? A Levy on Lemmings?

Critics are asking: where will it stop? With tariffs on penguins, are flamingos next? Will the Department of Homeland Security start monitoring parrot chatter for signs of financial collusion? Will pigeons be forced to declare breadcrumbs at customs?

“I mean, we understand the concept of national security,” said Pierre Fluffington. “But we are a peaceful people. Our biggest crime is sometimes stealing pebbles from one another to impress a mate. That’s literally our culture. We’re romantic, not radical.”

Cold Reception from Wall Street

In the U.S., financial analysts are struggling to interpret the implications. “This is either a geopolitical protest, a bird-led economic rebellion, or a new Pixar movie,” said one baffled analyst while stress-eating sardines. “Honestly, it’s all very unclear. But the penguins appear more fiscally responsible than several Fortune 500 CEOs I could name.”

Meanwhile, PFS stocks—measured in krill—have soared among Antarctic investors, which include a seal who blinked twice to express support and an albatross who flew in just to yell “Do it, kings!” before flying away dramatically.

A Word From the Penguins Themselves

In their official launch statement, written in a series of waddles across a snowy plateau and translated by a certified ornithologist, Penguin Financial Services had this to say:

“We didn’t ask for this. We didn’t lobby Congress. We didn’t even know what Congress was. But when someone taxes your home, your fish, and your dignity, there’s only one thing to do: open a bank, secure the bag, and waddle like you mean it.”

Plans for Expansion

Should Penguin Financial Services succeed—and signs point to “definitely more successful than the last dozen crypto scams”—plans are in place to expand to other oppressed avian communities.

• Parrot Credit Union in the Caribbean (slogan: “We Repeat, Your Savings Matter!”)
• Owlvestment Strategies, specializing in nighttime fiscal planning
• Flamingo Mutual, offering flamboyant but stable dividends

The Last Iceberg

The launch of Penguin Financial Services serves as a reminder that no community—no matter how remote, how feathered, or how adorably rotund—is immune from the baffling consequences of misguided geopolitical tantrums. But it also sends a clear message: underestimate the penguins at your peril.

Because when the ice caps melt and the tides rise, guess who’s already wearing a tux and knows how to manage your assets in a cold, uncertain world?

That’s right.

The penguins.

For media inquiries, press waddles, or to schedule an interview with Pierre Fluffington, please contact:

Arctic Public Relations

Email: flapback@penguinfins.com

Phone: (555) - ICE-BANK

Website: www.penguinfins.com

Penguin Financial Services

Cold Cash. Waddle Wealth. Feathered Futures.

:) Julie Bolejack, MBA