Pope Leo’s Mass vs. Trump’s Birthday Parade: The Holy Spirit vs. the Holy Shitshow
Well bless my incense and pass the popcorn, because June 14, 2025, is shaping up to be the most gloriously unhinged spiritual-political mashup since the Crusades met cable news.
That’s right, folks — in one corner, we’ve got Pope Leo XIV, Chicago native, White Sox ride-or-die, and spiritual shepherd of the Catholic Church. In the other? Donald J. Trump, former president, forever grifter, and birthday boy demanding tanks, jets, and synchronized goose-stepping in what can only be described as “Kim Jong Un’s wet dream with better spray tans.”
✝️ The Holiness
Let’s start with Pope Leo’s Mass, happening at Guaranteed Rate Field, because nothing says “faith” like naming your holy event after a mortgage broker.
Leo, who apparently once graced Game 1 of the 2005 World Series, will beam his message into the stadium like the Messiah of the Jumbotron. He’s speaking to “the young people of the world”, which presumably includes the many teenagers just now discovering religion via TikTok confessionals and AI Jesus filters.
Expect music, prayer, inspirational testimony, and that unmistakable scent of incense and Chicago hot dogs wafting together in divine union. And while Leo may not be on-site in person, he’s got the ultimate Catholic flex: being able to host a global video Mass and still technically be infallible.
🎖️ Meanwhile, in Totalitarian Cosplay…
Just down the propaganda expressway, Trump is throwing himself a birthday parade — and it’s not just any parade. It’s a “Big Beautiful Fucking Birthday Parade™” featuring tanks, missiles, military flyovers, and probably a bald eagle in a MAGA hat reciting the Constitution with every part about equality torn out.
Because when your poll numbers are circling the drain and your indictments read longer than your resume, what do you do? You LARP as a dictator and call it patriotism. 🇺🇸
Rumor has it, attendees will receive:
- A tiny American flag
- A commemorative coin minted with Trump’s face replacing Lincoln’s
- And a copy of the Constitution edited for loyalty
🥊 The Showdown
So here we are: Pope vs. Parade, Holiness vs. Horns, Confessionals vs. Confetti Cannons.
One is calling on the youth to find meaning, compassion, and unity.
The other is calling on the National Guard to stand next to a float shaped like his own head.
One believes in washing the feet of the poor; the other believes in selling them gold sneakers and NFTs.
One celebrates spiritual rebirth; the other wants to celebrate his actual birth as if it were the Second Coming of Cheeto Christ.
👀 The Real Miracle?
That the Pope didn’t plan this Mass just to troll Trump… but my God, it feels like divine shade. Pope Leo scheduling his global youth address on the same damn day as Trump’s state-funded ego balloon? Coincidence? Or the work of a higher power with a wicked sense of humor?
Either way, I’ll be watching both — one for my soul, the other for my psychological thriller fix. Pope 💯 Trump 0️⃣
P.S. If the Pope levitates off the Jumbotron while quoting Taylor Swift, I’m converting on the spot.
P.P.S. If Trump tries to baptize a missile, I’m leaving the country.
Stay holy, stay snarky.
– Julie Bolejack, MBA
