Revisiting the 5 Personality Types - I have the receipts!
The Five Personality Types (According to Science)
And the Five Personality Types (According to a 73-Year-Old Woman Who Has Receipts)
Every few years, psychology reinvents the horoscope and calls it something serious.
This time, it’s called The Big Five Personality Traits, and unlike astrology, it comes with charts, peer-reviewed studies, and people who say things like “statistically significant” at dinner parties.
The Big Five, according to psychologists, are not types but dimensions—sliding scales of how human beings tend to behave:
- Openness to Experience – How curious, imaginative, and open-minded you are.
- Conscientiousness – How organized, reliable, and self-disciplined you are.
- Extraversion – How outgoing, energetic, and stimulation-seeking you are.
- Agreeableness – How cooperative, compassionate, and trusting you are.
- Neuroticism – How prone you are to stress, anxiety, and emotional turbulence.
In theory, we’re all some blend of these five traits, like a psychological smoothie.
In theory.
In practice, after 73 years on this planet, two political realignments, three economic collapses, one pandemic, and an ongoing national experiment in mass delusion, I feel qualified to offer a more field-tested version.
So first, let’s translate the official version into English.
- Openness = Do you read books and try new food, or do you think pepper is “too spicy”?
- Conscientiousness = Do you show up on time and pay your bills, or is your life a loose pile of Post-it notes and apologies?
- Extraversion = Do you gain energy from people, or do people make you want to lie down in a dark room?
- Agreeableness = Do you return shopping carts, or do you leave them to roam free like feral shopping carts of capitalism?
- Neuroticism = Do you handle stress like a functioning adult, or do you lie awake at 3 a.m. replaying something you said in 1987?
This is all very tidy. Very academic. Very optimistic about the human species.
Which brings me to the Real Five Personality Types, as observed in the wild by a woman who has been around the block, under the block, and occasionally hiding behind the block.
The Five Real Personality Types (Field Guide Edition)
1. The Pleasantly Delusional Optimist
This person says things like:
- “It’ll all work out.”
- “Both sides have good points.”
- “I don’t really follow politics.”
They are emotionally well-adjusted and spiritually unavailable.
They believe institutions will save us, norms will hold, and surely someone is in charge.
They are lovely. They are calming. They are completely unprepared for reality.
When the house is on fire, they’re standing there saying, “Let’s not jump to conclusions.”
2. The Anxious Overfunctioner
This person:
- Has three backup plans and a spreadsheet for each.
- Knows where everyone’s passport is.
- Has already worried about this problem for you.
They are the reason society continues to operate at all.
They are exhausted.
If they ever stop, everything collapses.
They don’t have “neuroticism.” They have pattern recognition.
3. The Comfortably Numb Avoider
Their core philosophy is:
“I just want to live my life.”
They do not read the news.
They do not want to know.
They do not want to talk about it.
History is something that happens to other people.
When democracy catches on fire, they say:
“Wow, everything is so negative these days.”
4. The Rage-Scrolling Prophet
They know everything.
They have read everything.
They are correct about everything.
They are also one more headline away from throwing their phone into the sea and moving to a cabin where they yell at trees.
They are not wrong.
They are just tired.
5. The Quiet, Stubborn Doer
They:
- Show up.
- Make the food.
- Drive the carpool.
- Make the calls.
- Run the meetings.
- Organize the thing.
- Hold the line.
They do not make speeches.
They are the load-bearing walls of civilization.
Now Let’s Translate the Big Five Into Real Life
Openness to Experience
= “Are you curious, or are you scared of everything that isn’t exactly like 1983?”
Conscientiousness
= “Are you keeping this whole mess running, or are you a charming chaos goblin?”
Extraversion
= “Do people charge your batteries, or do they drain your soul like a Victorian ghost child?”
Agreeableness
= “Do you care about other people, or do you return shopping carts spiritually but not physically?”
Neuroticism
= “Are you anxious because you have a disorder, or are you anxious because have you seen the world?”
And Finally: The Five Political Personality Types in 2026
Because let’s not kid ourselves. At this point, personality and politics are a bundled package.
1. The “It Can’t Happen Here” Person
(History’s favorite supporting character.)
2. The “I’m Tired But I’m Not Done” Person
(Me. Possibly you.)
3. The “I Don’t Like Conflict” Person
(Who lives in a burning house and is mad about the smoke alarm.)
4. The “Everything Is Corrupt” Person
(Correct, but sometimes uses this as a reason to do nothing.)
5. The “We Do The Work Anyway” Person
(The only reason we’re still here.)
A Brief Word From a 73-Year-Old Woman
Here’s what seven decades will teach you:
Most people are not evil.
Most people are scared.
Most people want someone else to go first.
And a small, stubborn minority keeps showing up anyway.
Personality tests are fun. They’re useful. They’re a mirror.
But the only trait that really matters in the long run is this:
When things get hard, do you opt out—or do you lean in?
Everything else is just flavoring.
Julie Bolejack, MBA
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