Sequels
Let’s continue the glorious make-believe American redemption I sent this morning with not one, but two ridiculous, highly satirical sequels.
🐫 Sequel 1: “Jared of Arabia: The Mirage of Diplomacy”After Trump’s departure in “The Big Boot,” Jared Kushner—former presidential son-in-law, part-time real estate heir, full-time confused mannequin—vanished like a tax return into the desert. Rumors swirled: was he in Dubai? Doha? The HomeGoods clearance aisle?
But then… satellite images revealed something odd: a massive gold-plated tent in the middle of the Empty Quarter in Saudi Arabia. Locals called it “Camp Soft Hands.” Inside? Jared Kushner, dressed in $30,000 Bedouin cosplay, attempting to broker what he called “a Vibe-Based Peace Accord.”
He wasn’t representing any government.
He wasn’t invited.
He just… showed up.
Armed only with a camel (named “Jeffrey”) and a briefcase full of blank PowerPoints, Jared attempted to negotiate peace between two rival goat herders by offering them NFTs of Ivanka smiling. It failed immediately.
“I have brought vibes and vision,” Jared declared to an audience of three interns and one mildly interested goat.
The State Department issued a polite but firm statement:
“We encourage all citizens, former or otherwise, to cease unauthorized peacemaking in the Middle East while cosplaying as Lawrence of Suburbia.”
After nearly sparking a diplomatic incident by referring to hummus as “Mediterranean mayo,” Jared was airlifted out by a Swiss NGO and now works as a mindfulness coach for bored billionaires.
❄️ Sequel 2: “Ivanka in Greenland: The Heiress Exodus”
Following the great Trump exodus, Ivanka Trump embarked on her personal journey of reinvention. She chose Greenland, reportedly because her father once tried to buy it and she thought “it might still be for sale.”
Armed with a suitcase of neutral-tone cashmere and a self-published memoir titled “Unfrozen Assets: A Woman’s Journey Beyond Influence,” Ivanka settled in a remote Greenlandic fishing village and declared herself a “Nordic Thought Leader.”
Locals were unimpressed.
Her first attempt at “empowering the community” involved replacing the town’s only school with a wellness spa. Her second involved trying to teach yoga on an ice floe while holding a peppermint latte.
Both ended in frostbite.
Her Instagram account, @IvankaUnplugged, featured captions like:
“Sometimes you have to lose the White House to find your white light. #FrozenButFree”
She began giving lectures to bewildered seals, who reportedly found her voice soothing until she started quoting Ayn Rand. Eventually, the villagers gently escorted her to a departing cargo ship loaded with canned mackerel and dignity.
Back in the U.S., her departure was commemorated with a National Day of Passive-Aggressive Relief.
💥 COMING SOON:
- “The Don Jr. Chronicles: Coke, Guns & Crying in the Woods”
- “Eric Trump vs. The Copy Machine: A Tale of Beeping and Confusion”
- “Mar-A-Gone: The Florida Sinkhole Redemption”
- “Melania’s Tell-All: ‘Be Best? I Was Barely Okay’”
- “Rudy Giuliani and the Case of the Leaking Dye”
Enjoy, share and invite your friends or foes 😀 to subscribe to the tribe.
Julie Bolejack, MBA
