State of the Union Address (As delivered by His Majesty, the Unchecked)
My fellow Americans,
What a time to be alive! Never before in history have we seen anything quite like this—because never before in history has a democracy so enthusiastically uninstalled itself. Some said it couldn’t be done, but folks, we did it. And I mean bigly.
Let’s start with the markets. Now, I know some of you are concerned that your 401(k)s look like they went a few rounds with a sledgehammer. But fear not! The billionaires—who were not elected but are absolutely in charge—are doing just fine. And if they’re fine, well, doesn’t that just warm your patriotic little hearts?
Inflation? Oh, we love inflation. We’re keeping it around for a while. It builds character. It makes you appreciate the little things—like when eggs go back down to $7 a dozen. Or when gas only costs half your paycheck instead of three-quarters. Some say we should fix it, but we say, why rush greatness?
And government jobs? Oh, we had way too many of those. Like, who even needs an FDA anymore? I’m sure the free market can regulate itself. And the Department of Education? Don’t worry, we’ve replaced it with a streaming service where billionaires teach your kids directly—mostly about loyalty, obedience, and how great they are.
Speaking of great, let’s talk about leadership. My Cabinet is, without a doubt, the most unbelievable group of people ever assembled. And I do mean unbelievable. Some of them don’t even know what their departments do, but honestly, do you? So why should they? We’re breaking barriers here, folks. You’ve never seen incompetence this historic before.
And let’s not forget our foreign policy masterpiece. No more of this “allies” nonsense. We’re openly aligned with Putin now. That’s right—no more hiding it! No more pretending we like NATO! In fact, we’ve been practicing how to say “comrade” in our best Russian accents, and let me tell you, we’re getting very good at it.
But let’s not focus on the negative. We have a King now! ME! Some say this is the end of democracy, but I say, was democracy really that fun? Look how simple things are now! No pesky checks and balances. No boring hearings. Just me making decisions that benefit me. Efficiency, folks. It’s a beautiful thing.
And to commemorate this historic moment, I’m introducing a brand new line of exclusive merchandise! That’s right—head on over to MyRoyalMerch.com and pick up a “Democracy? Never Heard of It” T-shirt. Or maybe a “Checks and Balances Are for Losers” coffee mug. Collect them all! Because nothing says “all is well” like wearing it on a hat.
So, my fellow subjects—I mean, citizens—let’s all take a deep breath, look around at this one-of-a-kind situation, and remember: It’s never been done like this before.
God Save Me, and God Bless Whatever’s Left of America,
Felon47 (tariffs are my favorite word)
Brought to you by Julie Bolejack, MBA
