Straight Outta Dictator Starter Kit”:

By Someone Who Still Reads Books and Doesn’t Bow to Golden Statues of Grifters

Congratulations, America! If you’ve been losing sleep over whether or not we’re teetering on the edge of authoritarianism, worry no more—we’ve gone ahead and jumped straight into the Dictator Starter Kit™. And guess what? Donald Trump is the proud owner of the deluxe edition. Comes with unlimited ego, unrestricted vengeance, and a complete disregard for facts, laws, or reality.

Let’s unpack the must-have accessories of your average dictator-in-training and see how many our boy Donnie has already checked off.

1. Cult of Personality? Check.

You’re not a real dictator until your followers think you invented oxygen and cured cancer with your charisma. Trump’s fanbase doesn’t just vote—they worship. They hoard MAGA hats like holy relics, hang his mug on their walls next to Jesus, and believe he’s the victim of an international conspiracy led by librarians and drag queens.

Fun fact: North Korea’s Kim Jong-un allegedly once scored a perfect 18 in golf and doesn’t use the bathroom. Trump? Well, he definitely thinks he’s smarter than the generals and knows more than scientists. Same energy, slightly worse hair.

2. Attack the Press? Double Check.

“No dictator is complete without a sworn enemy,” says page one of the manual. The media is a great choice because they keep receipts. So naturally, Trump branded them the “enemy of the people.” Stalin approved. So would Mussolini, but he’s too busy spinning in his grave watching C-SPAN.

Trump’s war with journalism is so rabid, even Fox News occasionally gets tossed into the fire if they dare to blink wrong. It’s all fun and games until someone fact-checks.

3. Undermine Elections? Oh Sweet Democracy, You Tried.

A real autocrat doesn’t lose elections—they have them stolen. According to Trump, he hasn’t lost anything since kindergarten. The 2020 election? Rigged. The midterms? Rigged. The mailman didn’t wave back? Probably rigged.

And now with Project 2025 and proposals like the SAVE Act, Republicans are testing just how much voter suppression they can pass before we all wake up in The Hunger Games: Electoral College Edition. But don’t worry, the Capitol is still Mar-a-Lago.

4. Eliminate Dissent? Coming Soon to a Town Hall Near You.

Remember when Presidents used to show up at town halls, answer hard questions, and, you know, govern? Not our guy. Trump prefers rallies packed with sycophants, carefully selected to shout “USA!” on cue like a laugh track on a dying sitcom.

He even promises retribution. Literally. “I am your retribution,” he proclaimed, apparently forgetting he’s not auditioning for a Batman villain role. Or maybe he isn’t forgetting. Maybe he is the villain.

5. Rewrite History? Rewrite the Constitution While You’re At It.

A true dictator doesn’t just dislike the truth—they murder it. Trump is currently rewriting the history of January 6 like it was a church picnic hijacked by a few rogue tourists in Viking hats.

Meanwhile, back in the real world, 140 police officers were injured that day and people died. But hey, according to Trump, the real crime was that he had to leave the White House. Poor guy. So mistreated.

6. Control the Courts? Working on It.

Every aspiring despot needs judges who treat the law like it’s flexible taffy. Trump got a head start with three Supreme Court appointments, including one who practically came gift-wrapped from The Federalist Society.

Now, he’s floating ideas like prosecuting his enemies and granting blanket immunity to himself and his friends—sort of like Monopoly, but with fewer rules and more fascism.

7. Paramilitary Cosplay? Proudly Checked.

No dictator kit is complete without loyal foot soldiers in camo pretending they’re patriots. Enter: the Proud Boys, Oath Keepers, and various cosplay commandos who stockpile weapons, plan insurrections, and cry “Deep State!” whenever the Wi-Fi goes down.

Trump doesn’t just tolerate them—he tells them to “stand back and stand by.” That’s not subtle. That’s a group text for a coup.

8. A Deep Hatred for Government Workers (Unless They Worship Him)? You Bet.

Trump’s Project 2025 includes plans to purge tens of thousands of civil servants and replace them with loyalty-tested flunkies. Imagine FEMA run by a MyPillow sales team and the Department of Education managed by flat-earthers.

Because nothing says “make America great” like turning it into a job fair for conspiracy theorists and cable news rejects.

9. A Golden Toilet Throne? Basically.

Let’s be real. No dictator is complete without some absolutely tasteless symbol of wealth. From gold-plated apartment towers to $50 steaks at Trump hotels, he’s got the aesthetic of a Bond villain who failed art class.

And unlike other strongmen, Trump doesn’t need to parade military tanks down the street—he is the parade. Loud, overcompensating, and dangerously detached from reality.

10. The Promise to Never Leave?

Let’s end with the cherry on top: Trump’s made it very clear he doesn’t believe in losing. Ever. Not in court, not in elections, not even in golf. His 2025 fantasy isn’t just another campaign—it’s a power grab. Full throttle. No brakes. And no plan to ever hand back the keys.

In Conclusion: We’ve Seen This Movie Before

So yes, fellow Americans, dust off your copy of 1984, break out the popcorn, and consider investing in a good bunker—or at least a subscription to a fact-based newsletter.

The Dictator Starter Kit is no longer a joke. It’s a playbook. And unless we want to be characters in someone else’s authoritarian fever dream, it’s time to rip it up and rewrite the ending.

Signed, A Proud Member of the Reality-Based Community

Julie Bolejack, MBA