THE “AMERICA FIRST” CHRISTMAS SPECTACULAR

Julie Bolejack

— 2 min read
THE “AMERICA FIRST” CHRISTMAS SPECTACULAR

Because Nothing Says Peace on Earth Like a Government Mandating Your Holiday Decorations

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Well folks, it’s December — the most wonderful time of the year, unless you’re Stephen Miller, who wakes up every morning thinking, “How can I make Christmas feel more like a TSA screening at midnight?”

And because the Trump administration knows exactly what Christmas should mean for all 333 million Americans, let’s take a moment to imagine the perfect America First Christmas, as designed by Miller himself — the man whose holiday spirit lives somewhere between a Grim Reaper and a wet paper towel.

THE AMERICA FIRST CHRISTMAS TREE

First, the tree.

It must be a real tree — artificially flavored patriotism is strictly prohibited. Preferably chopped down from a national forest, because conservation is for quitters. The tree shall be decorated only with:

  • Red, white, and blue lights
  • Miniature AR-15 ornaments
  • A golden Trump head as the angel
  • A blinking border-wall LED garland
  • A tiny, battery-operated Ken Paxton shouting “FRAUD!” every 12 seconds

Any use of silver, gold, or green is suspiciously reminiscent of “European influence,” and Stephen Miller will be at your door with a clipboard.

THE AMERICA FIRST NATIVITY SCENE

Of course, the nativity has been updated. In the new and improved version:

  • Baby Jesus now holds a “Stop the Steal” onesie
  • The three wise men have been replaced by three oil executives
  • Mary is quietly filing a lawsuit
  • Joseph is forced to answer questions about Hunter Biden
  • The stable is fenced off because someone reported an undocumented donkey

And instead of gifts?

Frankincense, myrrh, and a lifetime subscription to Truth Social.

THE OFFICIAL CHRISTMAS EVE PROGRAM

Families will gather around the fireplace (next to the mandatory portrait of Trump) and enjoy the traditional America First Christmas Eve activities:

  1. Reciting the Pledge of Allegiance before opening presents
  2. Swearing you’ve never heard of German Christmas Markets
  3. Turning in your neighbors for suspiciously foreign decorations (we’re looking at you, people who own nutcrackers)
  4. Singing the newly revised carols, including:
    • “O Little Town of Real America”
    • “I’m Dreaming of a White House Christmas”
    • “Deck the Halls with Banned Books”
    • And of course, the classic: “We Wish You a Merry Indictment.”

THE AMERICA FIRST HOLIDAY MEAL

Dinner is strictly regulated. Approved menu items include:

  • Freedom ham
  • Patriot potatoes
  • Liberty gravy (thicker than Giuliani’s hair dye)
  • Jell-O casserole, because nothing is more American than a dish no one asked for
  • A “build-your-own” border-wall gingerbread kit for the kids

Dessert options are limited to the Twelve Pies of Christmas, all labeled “Trump Won,” even the lemon meringue.

THE AFTER-DINNER FESTIVITIES

After dinner, everyone gathers around the TV to watch the sacred annual broadcast:

“A Very Stephen Miller Christmas: How the Grinch Stole Due Process.”

Then comes the grand finale: Trump himself climbing down your chimney to leave a stocking full of tax cuts for billionaires and IOUs for everyone else.

AND SO, MY FRIENDS…

If you’re dreaming of a Christmas where individuality is outlawed, joy is regulated, and Stephen Miller is the Secretary of Caroling — congratulations.

You’re already living closer to it than anyone should be.

Merry “America First” Christmas. May your days be merry and frightfully bright.

Julie Bolejack, MBA

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