THE COOKIE CABINET CHRONICLE

Here’s your extra gooey, sarcasm-drenched newsletter, piping hot from the oven of absurdity:

Because nothing says “public service” like fresh-baked emotional support snacks.

BREAKING: Secretary of the Interior Doug Burgum Needs Warm Chocolate Chip Cookies to Do His Job

Yes, you read that right. In a shocking exposé on government efficiency—or the lack thereof—it has come to light that Secretary Doug Burgum, America’s newly minted guardian of natural resources, cannot function without warm chocolate chip cookies. Baked. By. Government. Staffers.

Truly, this is what the Founders intended.

Government Efficiency, My Ass

We used to think government waste meant overpriced hammers and Pentagon coffee mugs that cost $84. Turns out, the real scandal is someone in the Interior Department dutifully Googling “Best Toll House copycat recipe” while Bald Eagle habitats are getting fracked into oblivion.

Here’s how the likely bureaucratic chain of cookie command goes:

• Stage 1: Burgum whispers, “I need cookies.”
• Stage 2: A GS-12 staffer drops the Environmental Impact Report and sprints to Safeway.
• Stage 3: Another staffer debates whether to use sea salt flakes or not—because presentation matters when democracy is crumbling.
• Stage 4: Cookies are plated, slightly warm, served on a tray probably purchased during the Carter administration.
• Stage 5: America’s public lands rejoice. Or at least Doug does.

America: The Land of the Free and the Home of the Cookie Concierge

Imagine being in charge of the nation’s most treasured landscapes—Yellowstone, Grand Canyon, national monuments—and thinking: “You know what this ecosystem needs? Me. With cookies.”

Forget climate change mitigation or tribal land negotiations. What Doug really needs before tackling policy is a gooey Nestlé Nesting Moment.

Is This Emotional Labor or Just Actual Labor?

Let’s also take a moment to honor the anonymous staffer now professionally obligated to be both a federal employee and a human Easy-Bake Oven. Is this what civil service meant when they said “supporting the mission”? Because that mission seems to be: “Protect Doug from the horrifying trauma of room-temperature snacks.”

Imagine This Energy Applied Elsewhere…

• What if the same effort went into protecting national parks from drilling as it did into getting those cookies soft in the middle and crisp on the edges?
• What if America’s endangered wildlife got the same attention as Burgum’s blood sugar level?
• What if we held elected officials to the same temperature standards as their baked goods?

Final Crumb:

In conclusion, if you’re wondering why your local trail is closed, your land is leased, or your climate plan is still a PDF on someone’s desktop, rest assured: somewhere in D.C., a staffer is preheating the oven.

Because governing is hard. And Doug needs his cookies!

Here's an award-winning chocolate chip cookie recipe that has earned accolades in baking contests and has a cult following online. It’s known for a crispy edge, chewy center, and rich flavor thanks to browned butter and a perfect sugar ratio.

Award-Winning Chocolate Chip Cookies

(Adapted from numerous baking champs, with tweaks that actually live up to the hype)

Ingredients:

• 1 cup (2 sticks) unsalted butter
• 2 ¾ cups all-purpose flour
• 1 tsp baking soda
• ½ tsp baking powder
• 1 tsp kosher salt
• 1 ½ cups packed dark brown sugar
• ½ cup granulated sugar
• 2 large eggs, room temp
• 2 tsp vanilla extract
• 2 cups semi-sweet or dark chocolate chips (or chopped high-quality chocolate)
• Flaky sea salt for topping (optional but highly recommended)

Instructions:

1. Brown the butter: In a medium saucepan, melt the butter over medium heat. Stir frequently until it foams, then turns golden brown and smells nutty (5–7 minutes). Immediately transfer to a bowl and let cool 10 minutes.
2. Mix dry ingredients: In a separate bowl, whisk flour, baking soda, baking powder, and salt.
3. Cream sugars & browned butter: In a large bowl, combine the browned butter with both sugars. Beat with an electric mixer or vigorously by hand until slightly fluffy—about 2 minutes.
4. Add eggs and vanilla: Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla extract until smooth.
5. Add dry to wet: Slowly mix in the dry ingredients until just combined—don’t overmix. Fold in chocolate chips/chunks.
6. Chill the dough: Cover and refrigerate for at least 2 hours, ideally overnight (this improves texture and flavor).
7. Bake: Preheat oven to 350°F (175°C). Line baking sheets with parchment paper. Scoop dough into 2–3 tablespoon-sized balls, spaced about 2 inches apart.
8. Optional sea salt: Lightly sprinkle the tops with flaky sea salt before baking.
9. Bake time: 11–13 minutes, until edges are golden and centers are still a little soft (they’ll set while cooling). Cool on pan for 5 minutes, then transfer to a wire rack.

Pro Tips:

• Use high-quality chocolate like Ghirardelli, Valrhona, or chopped baking bars for pools of melted goodness.
• Browning the butter is key—adds a rich, toffee-like depth.
• Chilling the dough is non-negotiable if you want the chewy interior.

Julie Bolejack, MBA