The Great ‘E’ Eradication – Because Fairness is Just Too Hard
Today’s Letter
February 12, 2025
Ladies and gentlemen, patriots and plutocrats, corporate overlords and the everyday peasant-class Americans scraping by on whatever crumbs remain after the billionaires take their share—it is time to rejoice!
At long last, we are witnessing the courageous, groundbreaking, and completely asinine elimination of “E” from DEI. That’s right! Equity is OUT. No more dangerous notions of fairness or equal opportunity. We shall return to the golden age of unapologetic favoritism, hereditary privilege, and bootstraps so imaginary they make unicorns look real.
But wait, why stop there? If “E” is the problem, we must purge it from everything. A thorough cleansing, if you will. Let us embark on a bold mission to eradicate “E” from our vocabulary, our institutions, and our very existence.
Phase 1: The Immediate Effects of Eliminating Equity
No equity means no fairness. No fairness means we can finally admit that the system is rigged and move on without pretending to care!
No more pesky affirmative action trying to level the playing field. No more employee resource groups trying to uplift the underrepresented. No more annoying studies showing that diverse teams actually perform better—because, well, who needs proof when we have feelings?
Let’s just call it what it is: a full-on embrace of the ‘Screw You, I Got Mine’ doctrine.
For those of you struggling to buy a home, get a promotion, or be seen as a fully equal human being in the eyes of the law, I say this: Too bad! Should’ve been born rich, connected, or sufficiently indifferent to human suffering.
Phase 2: The Purge of the Letter “E”
It is not enough to simply remove equity from the lexicon. The letter “E” itself must go! After all, why should we keep something so closely associated with such radical ideas as fairness and justice?
Starting immediately:
• “Equity” becomes “quity,” which sounds appropriately defeatist.
• “Equal” becomes “qual,” which means nothing, much like fairness in this new era.
• “Elections” become “lctions,” which is fitting, given how little they matter when voter suppression is at an all-time high.
• “Education” will henceforth be “ducation,” which still sounds like an elite concept, so best to eliminate it altogether.
And, of course, “Eliminate” itself will have to be rebranded. Perhaps simply “Liminate,” which, coincidentally, is exactly what we’re doing to equity, ethics, and everyone who isn’t already at the top of the food chain.
Phase 3: The Glorious Return to the 1800s
With equity gone, we can fully commit to meritocracy—where only the people already in power get to define what “merit” means!
Women, people of color, LGBTQ+ folks, the working class—you thought you had a shot at a fair system? Adorable. The new slogan is “Just Be Born Rich, Stupid.”
No more workers expecting equal pay. No more students asking for equal access to education. No more silly notions that two people doing the same job should receive the same compensation.
The new system is simple:
• Born into wealth? Congratulations, you win!
• Born into struggle? Enjoy your lifelong game of Catch-Up That You’ll Never Win.
• Have a disability? Sorry, we spent the accessibility budget on another yacht.
• Need healthcare? Try thinking positively!
Gone are the days of “equitable solutions.” Now we embrace “earn-your-place capitalism,” where your birth zip code matters more than your talent, and “opportunity” is just another word for “wishful thinking.”
Phase 4: The Aftermath – What’s Left?
With Diversity gone and Equity obliterated, we are left only with Inclusion.
But let’s be honest—how long do we think THAT’S gonna last?
Without diversity and equity, what exactly are we “including” people in? A system that actively works against them? That seems about right.
Before you know it, “DEI” will be nothing but an “I,” a single, lonely, desperate letter standing in the wreckage of a once semi-functional society.
But don’t worry! We’ll probably get rid of that too, because why include anyone who doesn’t already have a seat at the table?
Final Thoughts: Who Benefits from This?
Certainly not you. Unless, of course, you are already one of the select few who can afford to pretend none of this matters.
And therein lies the great irony: The people pushing for the elimination of equity already HAVE it. They don’t need fairness because they’ve been winning the game for generations. Their only concern is making sure no one else gets a turn.
So, let us raise a toast to the death of equity! Let us celebrate the fact that we are now fully committed to a world where success is pre-determined, justice is an illusion, and fairness is nothing more than a bedtime story for the naïve.
And when the last traces of equity are scrubbed from our institutions, we can finally embrace the beautiful dystopia we’ve always been heading toward—where power hoards power, money hoards money, and the rest of us are left to fight for scraps.
Welcome to the future. Hope you brought a trust fund.
Here’s some Hashtags (for whatever’s left of free speech):
