The Lesson

A very upset parent called to complain to me - evidently, her school was teaching her child “pronouns.” She was appalled. She asked me to do an Advice column on what she called "gender ideology.”

I did what I always do when someone calls me with a question for the column. I listen and try to assess the problem. There's often a 'question behind the question'. I also try very hard to not judge.

In this case, the parent was upset because she was certain her child's teacher was "trying to make my daughter trans".

I asked which pronouns the teacher taught.

The parent was confused by my question. "Those trans pronouns" she said.

I asked her if she knew any pronouns. She told me with certainty that they did not use pronouns "in our house."

I then gently explained the definition of a pronoun. And a noun. And a verb. I asked if the teacher had taught these parts of speech as well. The parent was suddenly silent. I explained that pronouns stand in for a noun, as in he, she, you, me, I, we, us, this, them, and that.

I told her that I often find that the same people who scoff at pronouns and insist on ignoring someone’s preferred name have no trouble celebrating professional wrestlers, musicians, actors, and other public figures who openly embrace their chosen identities,

I also asked if she calls Hulk Hogan by his real name, Terry Gene Bollea or by his chosen name, Hulk Hogan, when she refers to him.

She said, “Well, I didn’t know his real name, and I don’t talk about him often, but I would just call him Hulk Hogan, did he say he has another name?”

I asked if she knew what a Hogan is. She didn’t know.

I said, it’s not the name he was given at birth. You call him Hulk Hogan because that is what he wants to be called, even though you don’t know what a Hogan is.

She blurted, "ohhhh, I feel foolish. I didn't understand."

We had a lovely conversation about misunderstanding (which we all do) and pre-judging (which hopefully we try to avoid).

She then asked me about gender. Surprised, I took a deep breath and told her I would be happy to share what I knew. I also shared that I spoke from my heart.

I explained that my mom was a nurse and she met her first gender-fluid child at Children's Hospital in 1972; she had to care for children with Turner Syndrome, Kleinfelter's Syndrome, ambiguous genitalia and adrenogenital syndrome.

The woman was interested. She had many questions. So I explained all those chromosomal differences in humans.

When I finished explaining she had more questions. She asked about trans kids.

I talked how young people do not become gender non-conforming or trans because they hear about pronouns. I said just like biology determines a few people will have red hair, a few will be born twins, and a few will be born gay or lesbian, biology sometimes puts parts on people that they don’t need.

After all, our tonsils and appendix are not necessary, we remove them all the time. The human body does sometimes put things where they aren’t supposed to go.

I shared how several studies around the world have shown that 82% of transgender individuals have considered killing themselves and 40% have attempted suicide, not because of their gender but because of how other people ostracize them, mock them online, harass them and doubt who they say they are.

She said she'd never heard any of that.

I explained how transgender people commit suicide 5 times more than non trans people, and that this is happening because of how they are being treated.

She was quite silent for a while.

I told her how many of them haven’t even told anyone about being trans by the time they attempt suicide.

Then I asked the question we both were thinking. I asked if being transgender is just some crazy phase these kids are choosing, why wouldn’t they just choose not to be trans instead of trying to kill themself?

She half whispered, “um, I don’t know, that’s a good point I guess. I never thought about that.” Then I suggested she could test this theory… I asked her to become trans right now and see. So she could tell me how it went.

She stuttered… “I don’t think I want to do that, I’m happy as I am.”

I asked, “but what if you weren’t? What if you felt you had the wrong parts every time you looked down getting out of the shower?”

She stuttered some more.

I asked her if or anyone in her family had ever had any surgeries.

She said she had a knee surgery when she was younger to correct a limp from it being twisted?

I asked how it went, she said it went well. She told me that she was happy that she decided to do it

I could hear her typing so I asked if she could Google something for me, and asked her to Google “knee surgery regret rate America.”

She said Google had a lot of hits that varied between 6-20%. I asked her whether someone should have tried to stop her before she got her knees surgery since she might regret it.

She was a bit confused about why someone would try to stop her since her doctor and surgeon both recommended it. But she said she would be angry since it isn’t anyone else’s business.

Then she paused, and let out a little hmmmmm…

I told her if she googles post-operation regret rate for transgender people, she will see it is less than 1% and I wondered if rather than people trying to intervene on trans surgeries, instead they should try to stop people from getting knee surgeries like hers?

She piped up, “oh no way. I don’t need their opinions, they aren’t my doctors.”

I left the call silent for a few moments while that sunk in.

I told her that, ultimately, I believe each young person is worthy of respect. She very softly said, "That's a good thing to believe."

She added, "There's a lot I don't understand." I told her I am still learning and that there was a lot I didn't understand, but I read as much as I can. She asked if we could chat again if she had other things that confused her and I said, "of course."

I thanked her for her respect and for asking. I thanked her for listening with an open heart.

I assured her there are professionals who have studied pediatric endocrinology who know how to best support these young people, so she didn't need to do so, but she should try to respect each person's worth. She agreed.

We spoke nearly an hour.

She asked how she could support the LGBTQ youth centre and said she wanted me to share our conversation, "not in your column, but some place where people like me can read and learn."

I'm doing so now.

My papa said we have a chance to reach each person's heart every time we encounter someone. He taught me to lead with love and kindness.

Is it possible to connect with people who insist on remaining misinformed about something? Not always. I've failed many times.

But I keep on trying.

—- Author unknown

Julie Bolejack, MBA