The Loomer Era: America’s New Low
Ladies and gentlemen, patriots and doomscrollers, history has finally jumped the shark. Elon Musk is no longer the de facto president of the United States. No, America has traded in its self-anointed Martian overlord for someone even more qualified: Laura Loomer. Yes, that Laura Loomer—failed congressional candidate, professional Twitter heckler, and conspiracy theorist extraordinaire. Because apparently, the national motto is no longer E Pluribus Unum but Well, It Could Always Be Worse.
From Tesla to Tinfoil
You may remember Elon Musk’s reign as de facto president. He gave us rockets, self-driving death machines, and an endless stream of half-baked memes about free speech. But the novelty wore off when people realized you can’t pay rent in Dogecoin, and “free speech absolutism” meant your aunt’s Facebook feed became indistinguishable from a QAnon message board.
Enter Loomer, stage far-right. The torch has been passed from a billionaire with delusions of Iron Man grandeur to a woman whose résumé includes being banned from Uber for Islamophobia. Finally, America has leadership that truly reflects our national decline: loud, ill-informed, and allergic to reality.
The Inaugural Address: A Live-Streamed Rant
Forget solemn speeches on the Capitol steps. Loomer livestreamed her inaugural address from the front seat of her car, dashboard bobblehead Jesus nodding along. Between dropped Wi-Fi signals, she promised to replace the Department of Education with “the University of YouTube” and to make chemtrails a taxable offense. The crowd—consisting of three Proud Boys and a confused Uber Eats driver—cheered wildly.
Cabinet of Clowns
Every president needs a cabinet, and Loomer did not disappoint. Secretary of State? Alex Jones, naturally. Secretary of Defense? Whoever wins the next UFC heavyweight title. Surgeon General? Your cousin’s chiropractor who swears essential oils can cure shingles. The line of succession now looks like the lineup at a particularly sad monster truck rally.
Domestic Policy: Powered by Rage
Within hours of taking office, Loomer passed her first executive order: all public schools must screen Dinesh D’Souza documentaries during homeroom. History class? Canceled. Science class? Replaced with flat earth debates moderated by Joe Rogan. Pledge of Allegiance? Now includes the phrase “so help me Mar-a-Lago.”
The economy? Don’t worry, Loomer has a plan. It involves GoFundMe, affiliate links for brain supplements, and a national lottery where the prize is dinner with Steve Bannon. Inflation solved!
Foreign Policy: Apologies to the Planet
Other nations, understandably, are horrified. Canada closed its borders within minutes. The EU released a statement that simply read, “Good luck with that.” North Korea expressed solidarity, calling Loomer “a bold visionary in the field of nonsense.” Russia is reportedly jealous they didn’t think of this circus first.
The Musk Factor
Of course, Elon Musk isn’t gone. He’s sulking on Mars, sending passive-aggressive tweets about how he was “totally chill with not being president anymore.” He insists that Starlink will still provide Wi-Fi to the Oval Office, but Loomer’s already replaced it with her neighbor’s unsecured hotspot. America’s broadband future is now literally “LoomerNet.”
And So, America Marches On
Somewhere, the Founding Fathers are spinning so fast in their graves they could power the eastern seaboard. This is the democracy they envisioned: a former Twitter troll turned commander-in-chief, leading the free world with the same energy one uses to shout at the cashier about expired coupons.
So buckle up, America. We survived Musk’s memes. Now it’s Loomer’s turn at the wheel. And if you think the car is headed for a cliff—don’t worry. It already went over.
Julie Bolejack, MBA
