The White House Auto Mall: Where Democracy Takes a Test Drive
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, patriots and billionaires alike—welcome to the grandest, most luxurious, most patriotically profitable transformation in American history! That’s right, our 45th (and maybe 47th, depending on how much democracy we can shake loose) president, Donald J. Trump, has done it again.
No longer just the “People’s House,” the White House has finally reached its true potential: The White House Auto Mall, brought to you by MuskCorp.
A Visionary Deal—Better Than the Louisiana Purchase!
Who needs diplomacy, integrity, or even basic governance when you can have a world-class showroom for Tesla Cybertrucks, conveniently located at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue? Oh sure, some “constitutional scholars” (aka nerds) might say this is “corruption,” but they just don’t understand The Art of the Deal.
Under Trump’s inspired leadership, democracy is out, and deeply discounted Teslas are in! (No refunds. No warranty. No working door handles.)
MAGA Motors is Open for Business!
• The Cybertruck Patriot Edition – Made exclusively for Republican mega-donors, now with extra sharp edges for slicing through the weak regulation of America’s limp-wristed safety standards!
• The Model T-2024 “Trump Edition” – Drives only in circles, powered by the same innovation that made Trump Steaks and Trump University a wild success!
• The MuskMobile – Runs entirely on broken promises and taxpayer subsidies. Guaranteed to autopilot you directly into the next financial collapse.
The Grand Opening Gala: A Celebration of Free Market Patriotism
To celebrate this historic moment, Trump is throwing a YUGE grand opening gala! Instead of your typical foreign dignitaries or boring policy discussions, the guest list will feature:
• Elon Musk – Because if there’s one thing America needs, it’s a billionaire with a God complex running the White House parking lot.
• Jared Kushner – Our new “Secretary of Car Titles and Shady Paperwork.” Need a loan? He knows a Saudi prince or two.
• Ivanka Trump – Selling exclusive “White House Auto Mall” merch, including designer steering wheel covers and nepotism-based employment applications.
• Rudy Giuliani – Offering free oil changes, but only if you promise not to testify.
• The MyPillow Guy – Because, honestly, at this point, why not?
Government? What Government?
Now, you might be thinking: Hey, doesn’t the government have laws against this sort of thing? Hahaha! Oh, sweet, naive voter. That’s adorable.
Thanks to Trump’s visionary leadership, regulations have been completely shredded—just like the Constitution during his last term! Who needs the Emoluments Clause when you’ve got sweet, sweet stock options?
And let’s talk about legislation—or rather, let’s not! Congress is now entirely pay-to-play, with bills sponsored by the highest bidder. The “Freedom To Test Drive Act” (co-written by Tesla’s legal team) ensures that every American has the constitutional right to be locked inside a self-driving car with no escape button.
What’s Next? The White House Casino & Gun Range!
But wait—there’s more! Sources say Trump is already eyeing his next move: converting the Lincoln Bedroom into a high-roller casino. Why waste space on “history” when you can have slot machines, blackjack tables, and a VIP “Pardon Booth” for the right price?
Also coming soon: The First Annual MAGA 500 NASCAR Race, with the White House lawn repaved for monster truck rallies and low-speed police chases.
So, buckle up, America—because the ride is just getting started. And there are no seat belts.
God Bless America, and God Bless the Free Market (except when billionaires need bailouts).
Julie Bolejack, MBA
