Trump Broke it Just for YOU!
“I Broke It Just for You: The Trump Guide to Destruction, Duct Tape, and Demands for Worship”
By America’s Most Exhausted Fact-Checker
Ladies and gentlemen, patriots and fellow victims of political whiplash, gather ’round as we pay homage to the undisputed master of break-it-yourself governance—Donald J. Trump, the man who could knock over a vase, glue the shards into a melted nightmare, and then demand a standing ovation for “inventing abstract art.”
Yes, in the sacred tradition of toddlers and cult leaders, Trump has perfected a now-familiar loop:
Step 1: Break Something That Was Working Just Fine
Step 2: Blame Anyone Within a 50-Mile Radius (Preferably a Woman or a Minority)
Step 3: Half-ass a fix using ego, Sharpies, and vibes
Step 4: Shout “YOU’RE WELCOME” into a mirror
Step 5: Wait for Fox News to name a holiday after him
Let’s take a stroll through the Trump Museum of Self-Created Crises, where every exhibit comes with a plaque that says “Look what I did (to you).”
Healthcare? Smashed it with a golf club.
Remember the Affordable Care Act? Sure, it needed some work—but instead of improving it, Trump took a wrecking ball to it while yelling “Obamacare is DEAD!” Then, he glued together a few pieces of health policy garbage, called it “a beautiful plan,” and handed it to the American people like a used Band-Aid on a silver platter.
No plan ever emerged. But he did once say, and I quote:
“Who knew healthcare could be so complicated?”
Everyone. Literally everyone knew. Except you, Donald!
The Economy? It was good, so he rode the wave, crashed it, and blamed the surfer.
Trump inherited a growing economy from Obama (not that he’d ever admit it). Then came the tax cuts for billionaires, the trade wars that sent farmers into bankruptcy, and exploding deficits. But don’t worry—he slapped on a sticker that said “Greatest Economy in History” and passed it around like it was gospel.
When COVID hit? He ignored it, lied about it, called it a hoax, and somehow still tried to take credit for the rebound after 400,000 Americans died.
Immigration? A humanitarian crisis he created—on purpose.
He broke DACA, banned Muslims, locked kids in cages (yes, the cages he expanded), and tore families apart at the border. And then—wait for it—he tried to take credit for “securing the border” by building a wall that was either falling over, stolen from, or just… missing.
When pieces of his wall started literally falling into rivers, Trump said they were “meant to be beautiful windows.”
Windows to what? A moral void?
The Military? Break the chain of command, then salute yourself.
Trump insulted war heroes, called soldiers “suckers and losers,” dodged the draft five times, and then posed for dramatic photos with generals like he was filming a reboot of Top Gun: White House Edition.
And when he ordered the use of tear gas on peaceful protesters so he could hold a Bible upside down in front of a church he doesn’t attend? He claimed strength. The rest of us called it what it was: a fascist thirst trap.
January 6th? He lit the match, tossed the gasoline, and wants credit for calling the firetruck.
He summoned them. He incited them. He watched it unfold like a Super Bowl halftime show. And when his mob smeared feces on the Capitol walls, he still found time to tweet about crowd size.
Later, he claimed “peacefully and patriotically.” Sure, and I “gently and respectfully” throw my phone every time he speaks.
And now—Project 2025. The Final Boss of “Look What I Made.”
After years of destruction, Trump and his loyalist think tanks have drafted a literal roadmap to burn down democracy and replace it with a loyalty-based dictatorship. Fire civil servants. Gut federal agencies. Replace experts with cronies. End women’s rights. Eliminate dissent.
It’s a DIY fascism kit, and he’s wrapping it in a flag and calling it patriotism.
But wait—He Wants Your Love. Your Applause. Your Tears of Joy.
Because after he breaks the system, mangles the repair, and calls the carnage a masterpiece, he doesn’t just want credit.
He wants adoration. He wants you to whisper “thank you” every time you see a gas pump. He wants statues. Holidays. TikTok tributes. He wants you to kneel—not just figuratively, but preferably in a gold-plated MAGA chapel with digital confessionals powered by Truth Social.
In Conclusion:
Donald Trump is the guy who:
- Sets your house on fire,
- Shows up with a broken garden hose,
- Accidentally floods your basement,
- Then sues you for not saying thank you.
He didn’t build the country. He didn’t fix it. He didn’t lead it.
He broke it, branded it, and now demands we all bow down and call him “savior.”
If we fall for it again, that’s on us!
Stay loud. Stay sarcastic. Stay democratic.
And remember: If someone breaks your democracy and demands credit for duct-taping it back together—
THEY’RE NOT A LEADER. THEY’RE A CON ARTIST WITH GLUE ON THEIR HANDS.
Julie Bolejack, MBA
