We’re #1! (In All the Worst Ways)
A Patriotic Parade of Shame: America’s Top 10 Global Rankings That Aren’t Worth Bragging About
Dear Disillusioned but Still Awake Citizens,
You know what Americans love? Being #1.
We chant it at sporting events, slap it on truck bumpers, and whisper it into bald eagle feathers while fireworks light up the sky. But beneath the red, white, and delusional, a harsh reality brews: we are #1 in a lot of things that should make us weep, not wave flags.
So here’s your uplifting newsletter of national ego correction. Grab your coffee, brace your fragile hope, and let’s take a little tour of the real American exceptionalism.
1. Most Expensive Healthcare in the World (With Mediocre Outcomes)
We spend more per person on healthcare than any other country—by far—yet we rank lower than dozens of nations in life expectancy, maternal mortality, and overall health.
Want to survive childbirth in America? Better be rich, white, and insured.
2. Highest Incarceration Rate on Earth
Land of the free? Not if you’re in one of our 2.2 million prison cells.
We have 4% of the world’s population and nearly 20% of the world’s prisoners—many of them in for nonviolent offenses.
Bonus points: Private prisons and prison labor keep the system chugging along like a dystopian economy.
3. Most Guns Per Capita (and Mass Shootings to Match)
We own nearly half the civilian-owned guns in the world—more than 400 million firearms.
And we’re shocked—shocked—that we also lead in mass shootings per year.
Thoughts and prayers, folks. Thoughts and prayers.
4. Most Student Debt in the World
Want a college education in the U.S.?
Be prepared to spend the rest of your adult life paying for the privilege.
Americans owe over $1.6 trillion in student loans. That’s more than the GDP of Russia.
5. Worst Work-Life Balance
While other industrialized nations embrace paid vacation, parental leave, and 4-day work weeks, we’re over here idolizing burnout culture.
No mandatory paid vacation. No federal maternity leave. And we’re supposed to thank our bosses for the “opportunity” to grind ourselves into dust.
6. Highest Prescription Drug Prices in the Developed World
Your insulin costs $300.
In Canada? $30.
Because here in the U.S., the pharmaceutical industry can charge whatever it wants. Why?
Because campaign donations are the real currency of Congress.
7. Most Deaths from Preventable Causes
Heart disease. Gun violence. Opioid overdoses. Lack of healthcare.
In the richest country on Earth, people die from things that don’t kill people elsewhere.
If a first-world nation had a third-world public health system, it would look a lot like… oh. Us.
8. Most Wealth Inequality Among Developed Nations
While billionaires launch rockets and buy social media platforms for sport, millions of Americans live paycheck to paycheck.
The top 1% controls more wealth than the bottom 90% combined.
But go ahead, tell us again how trickle-down economics just needs more time.
9. Most Obsession with Military Spending
We outspend the next ten countries combined on defense, but can’t seem to find the cash for school lunches, clean water, or functioning bridges.
But hey, we’ve got enough nukes to vaporize the Earth several times over—just in case.
10. Most Politicians Denying Science (With Pride!)
Climate change? A “hoax.”
Vaccines? “Mind control.”
Basic facts? “Fake news.”
Our Congress has become a funhouse mirror of reality where experts are suspicious, and conspiracy theorists are now “patriots.”
So, What Do We Do With All These #1 Rankings?
We expose them.
We challenge them.
We refuse to accept them as the cost of “freedom.”
Because true patriotism doesn’t mean waving a flag and shouting “USA!”
It means loving your country enough to tell it the truth, to fight for change, and to demand better.
Stay loud. Stay awake. Stay number one in fighting for what’s right.
(Just not in gun deaths, debt, and preventable misery.)
With love, sarcasm, and justified outrage,
Julie Bolejack, MBA
#ExceptionalismWithAsterisk
#FixTheFlagBeforeYouWaveIt
#AmericaTheBroken
#ThisIsNotFine
#MakeFactsGreatAgain
