White House South Lawn Promotional Opportunity

OMG!
It’s both unusual and unsavory to see Donald Trump using the White House Easter Egg Roll—an event historically reserved for families, children, and a touch of springtime magic—as a platform for commercial interests. What was once a cherished, apolitical celebration on the South Lawn is now being rebranded with the flair of a pop-up infomercial. Turning a beloved national tradition into a thinly veiled product placement opportunity is not only tasteless, it’s a glaring example of how public service and private profit should never be scrambled together.

Here is the next big opportunity.

Fourth of July: MAGA-merica’s Star-Spangled Sales Event!
By America’s Most Patriotic Entrepreneur-In-Chief

Why stop at eggs, folks? Let’s get real. If Donald Trump is going to monetize Easter with the gusto of a QVC host hopped up on Cadbury Creme Eggs, then the 4th of July—America’s holy trinity of fireworks, flags, and freedom—deserves nothing less than a full-blown MAGA-palooza™. Forget “Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness”—this year’s theme is “Buy One, Get One Freedom.”

Here’s how President-turned-Pitchman Trump can take the nation’s birthday and turn it into a celebration of liberty and limited-edition merchandise:

1. Fireworks Sponsored by Trump Vodka (Now With 20% More Patriotism)
   What better way to light up the sky than with a fireworks display choreographed to Lee Greenwood’s “God Bless the USA,” each burst spelling out promo codes for new Trump-branded whiskey? Of course, Trump Vodka: Resurrection Edition would be available in a VIP tent—access granted with a $999 donation to the “Stop the Steal… Again” fund.
2. The Declaration of Independence Rewritten as a Loyalty Pledge
   Why should we revere a document written by powdered-wig elites when we could have a new “Declaration of Trumpdependence,” rewritten in Sharpie on gold-leaf paper? It begins, “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that Donald Trump is always right and CNN is fake news.” Everyone attending the event will be asked to sign it—or else be publicly labeled a RINO.
3. The All-American Hot Dog Eating Contest… Featuring Only Trump Steaks
   Sure, hot dogs are traditional, but they’re also vaguely European. Enter the Trump Steaks Speed-Grill Challenge™—contestants compete to down as many well-done, ketchup-covered filets as possible in 10 minutes, while a choir of children sings “The Apprentice” theme song in the background. Vegan options? Don’t be ridiculous.
4. The Liberty Bell NFT Drop
   In a bold move to blend history with blockchain, Trump could debut a line of limited-edition Liberty Bell NFTs, featuring cracked bells wearing MAGA hats, available only on Truth Social. Prices start at $1,776 per token, with proceeds going to fund a commemorative Mar-a-Lago fireworks bunker.
5. Patriotic Fashion Show: All Red, All White, No Blue
   Nothing screams America like a pageant of patriotic fashion—featuring sparkly red gowns, white blazers, and mysteriously absent blue. Special appearance by Melania modeling her new “I Still Don’t Really Care, Do U?” windbreaker, now bedazzled for summer.
6. Rebranding Mount Rushmore as Trump Rushmore
   A live reveal of a rendering showing Washington, Lincoln, Roosevelt, and Jefferson replaced with Trump in four facial expressions: smug, pointing, serious-smug, and extra pointing. T-shirts available on-site. Matching mugs come with a “coffee is for closers” slogan and a Truth Social QR code.
7. Special Guests: George Washington’s Ghost & Kid Rock
   In the most ambitious crossover event in American history, George Washington (or a guy in a powdered wig with a Mar-a-Lago lapel pin) will rise from the grave to endorse Trump 2024. Kid Rock performs a medley of songs while shooting fireworks from a bald eagle-shaped guitar.
8. Ending the Night with the Pledge of Allegiance… to Trump Force One
   As the sun sets, all guests will be asked to stand, hand over heart, and recite the Pledge of Allegiance—revised slightly to include “with liberty, justice, and Trump-branded fireworks for all.” Cue jets flying overhead, each trailing a red, white, and gold smoke pattern.

So while some may call this kind of event over-the-top or a desecration of national tradition, real patriots know: if you’re not monetizing Independence Day, are you even free?

Happy 4th of July… and don’t forget to use code FIREWORKS2025 at checkout.

Julie Bolejack, MBA